If only

I wanna cuss and scream and let these feelings out, but they are rooted in so deeply that it keeps me filled with doubt.

I’m nowhere close to normal but you try to make it so with wishful selfish feelings that you force on me to grow.

I’m never going to be nor was I ever in the past this blissful little image that you try to make me grasp.

I was broken in the beginning the middle and the end and the pieces are too small for you to build what you pretend.

That’s just not what I was built for not for ribbons pearls and bows . No I was built for suffering life’s painful blistering blows.

I serve a single purpose to feel for those who bleed and to show them how survival is a possibility.

While my life is not glamorous and at times I wished for its end, I think of those more fragile and I begin to play pretend

I pretend it’s not that bad or that I am happy deep inside but sometimes the feelings are just more than I can hide.

So if everyone could forget about their expectations for my life and just be thankful I am still standing here despite my pain and strife

Because I push myself to try to be exactly what you want but it’s just not going to happen so I have to drop that front.

It’s those expectations that cut into my core each time I fail to reach them I don’t want to live anymore

They act as if they are nails being driven into my soul a sacrifice I’ll one day make to finally fill the hole.

Never will I disappoint or cause another love more shame, for when you have nothing to left to lose everyone else has much to gain.

Sorry so dark but some days are just dark

–schizandgiggles