I’ve been free of basically all my symptoms since I finished ECT and started taking my Loxapine . However since we’re moving and my stress level has started to rise immensely my symptoms are coming back. It started with a fight I had with my husband who said I never told him something that I vividly remember having multiple conversations about and then full blown mania kicked in. I’ve been manic for over a week now and I’m beginning to see messages in usernames on my social media accounts. When that started happening I quickly transitioned from mania into the beginning of depression because I am scared that multiple delusions and paranoia are going to start again. Then it’s full blown relapse at my doorstep.
I’m scared of that happening right as I move away from my family support system. Luckily I am not having to switch doctors so I know he will do everything possible to prevent me from backsliding. I just am very aware of my illness symptoms and expected the mania but I didn’t expect the hallucinations and delusions to come along with it. I’m aware that those messages aren’t real it’s my brain making me see things that aren’t there but it’s still scary. When I was sick for ten years I thought the message I saw were God talking to me through email subject lines and computer code text. This time at least I know I am just having symptoms of Schizoaffective disorder, nothing more nothing less.
I guess that’s progress and I should be happy. I just have to stay aware of my symptoms so I don’t slip fully into a state of psychosis again. My husband is keeping a close eye on my actions and words which is great and I love him for that but he keeps worrying about every little thing being a sign that I am already needing professional attention. Really I am just experiencing mania and I am not psychotic because I’m still able to realize what is not real and what is happening in my head. Once I lose that ability then I am in trouble.
Keep reading and I’ll keep posting ~Schiz N giggles
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