What to expect when you’re not expecting

I have not been blogging much lately due to my depression, but I had a few things I wanted to say so I figured I would write a new post. You see there’s very few things that you can expect to happen when you are diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. You can expect mood swings and you can expect they will cycle when you least expect them to. I haven’t had a depressive episode this lengthy since undergoing ECT. I had a manic episode during our move brought on by stress but it subsided and I was pretty much stable.Then it happened I woke up and couldn’t function one morning. I couldn’t get out of bed. I just slept for 3 days basically. I knew what was happening and spoke to my doctor quickly about my symptoms and so began the process of trying to pull myself out of it.

I began taking my Zoloft and adjusted my medication and I have been mostly successful with fighting off the thoughts of self harm and voices that tell me I’m worthless. However there are some delusions and paranoia that have been creeping up again that scare me to death. You see my mood swings are easily dealt with but they tend to trigger other symptoms if I am not careful. I don’t expect to be cured of anything but you also sometimes don’t realize the symptoms of schizophrenia to creep up for no apparent reason. And if you aren’t careful and paying attention they can quickly spiral out of control into a psychotic break.

So what should you expect when you’re not expecting. Relapse and possibly hospitalization. Fortunately I was paying attention and have avoided my biggest fear, losing touch with reality. I wake up every day and give thanks for not being in that place for as long as I have. I know it’s not possible to completely be symptom free but at least I can hold onto my life with the steps I have learned over the years to avoid losing myself to my thoughts .

Just remember you can’t believe everything you think. And always be expecting the unexpected.

The More things change

I just want to make things better for my family

But it’s seems like a circle that is spinning constantly

Happiness comes around and then it’s gone again

It’s impossible to hold onto long enough to call it a win

Somethings always changing and my mood is one for real

The smallest little things can happen and I don’t know how to deal

I wait for the happiness to come back around

While I struggle not to let it bring me too far down.

So I start to keep a smile plastered on my face

Until it’s been too long and I can’t find the strength to pace.

For now I’m getting better and the feeling lasts much longer

So I’ll call that a win because it’s made me so much stronger.

So while the feelings change, some things remain still

And that’s why we hold on to the good to prove that we’re not Ill.

Just keep in mind we make it by surviving each and every day.

And some days will be harder but it’s the game we have to play.

Take plenty of pictures of all the good times that you’ve had

It’s serves as a reminder that it not always so bad.

Keep smiling keep reminding yourself that it’s not always bad
In all that we do remember to do it with love

A glimpse of happiness

Finally feeling happiness and joy since my doctor added Zoloft to my medication regiment

I can feel the edges curve upwards on my cheeks.

A feeling at first not recognized for its not normal for me .

It’s been more than a decade since I’ve truly felt this way.

At first it scared me as mania and I’m not sure what to say.

But I realize I am not dreaming the feelings I felt inside.

For my smile is usually covering a different feeling I’m trying to hide.

I worry it won’t last long and will slowly slip away .

But unless I am just dreaming I’m feeling more than just ok.

For once I feel true joy and gratitude wells up in me.

Happiness fills my heart and soul and left a smile for all to see.

Even if it’s for a little while I am so thankful I have this time.

Without the darkness swallowing my soul and filling it with grime.

A simple unexpected smile has given me so much hope.

I don’t care what might happen or even if I look like a dope.

I will cherish the time forever no matter how long this feeling lasts.

Forgetting all my suffering from my illness in the past.

I will wake up each day and thank Heaven for the chance

To feel something normal inside even if it’s just a glance.

Turned 40 & Started career

Things take time just remember this when you feel behind in your life’s goals.

So I just turned 40 April 20th and I also set up a new career as a pet stylist. At first I thought who starts a career at forty, man I am way behind. Then I read the message above and I felt like it is ok I am not behind I am right where I am supposed to be in my life. I may not be where most people my age are but the fact that I am here at all is nothing short of a miracle, multiple miracles actually. I have been in inpatient hospitals multiple times over the past 12 years and most of the stays were due to suicide attempts or suicidal ideation. My husband, and family have been the only reason I have made it this far. I am so grateful for everything they have done to get me to the point where I am actually able to even think about having a job or even attempt to start a career.

So even though I am just getting started I am really ahead of the game considering my mental illness. I can hold my head up high considering how much work it took me to get where I am today. In itself it has been my career surviving thus far. I hope if you are reading this and you suffer from mental illness that you can see it’s not where are but where you’ve been and where you are going that determine success in life. . You are right where you are supposed to be. Don’t judge yourself by comparing yourself to other people that haven’t been where you have been. It’s not a competition and everyone has their own battles to fight ours are just more complex than others. So keep fighting the battle and remember you will get where you are going in your own time. Pat yourselves on the back for the times you have survived to fight another day. Some people never make it that far.

Waiting for the call

So I have applied for a job that I got as far as I can tell. I applied to PetSmart as a groomer in training. Only thing is that I am waiting for my background check to come back and it seems to be taking longer than expected. I am getting anxiety waiting for the call to come back to tell me I can start working. I’m beginning to wonder if I just made it all up but I checked in with the store manager and they said they are still waiting for the checks to come in and they will call me when they get the results.

I know I don’t have anything incriminating on my reports but I just don’t understand what is taking so long. It’s got me building delusions of what could possibly be going on. Things like they found someone else better. Or maybe decided that I would be unable to do the job because of my illness.

I just really got excited about the idea of having a career and now I am filled with doubt. I would do anything to not have these thoughts and just be normal and patient but I’m not built this way.

I’ll keep you posted on the details of this journey as they progress. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and maybe I will be able to hold on until I hear back from the store. Until then medication is my first line of defense and I will just keep my fingers crossed for good news soon.

Thanks everyone, -Schizngiggles

Starting in new places

So I’m getting all moved into my new home and all I can say is it’s amazing here. I love my new house and my husband has made the whole process as easy for me as possible. Everything has turned out really well. For the most part I’m over my manic stage and have not sunk into depression because my doctor adjusted my meds. Which believe me is a huge deal. I almost always get depressed after a manic stage.

Everything seems so calm here and I’m really excited to start a new life here in Savannah. I can’t wait to see what is ahead for me and my family. I’ll keep you posted on the new experiences I have very soon. Sorry I haven’t posted it has been kinda crazy around here unpacking everything.

-Schiz N Giggles

Moving towards a new horizon

Let me start by apologizing for not posting anything in a little while. This move has had my Schizoaffective symptoms in high gear and honestly that is probably when I should be posting more but I was unable to organize my thoughts and feelings into coherent statements that would have helped anyone. So for that I apologize. However through the manic mood swings and, mild delusions set off by a never ending spiral of thoughts and feelings I have gotten to a place where I can finally tell you that I am accepting all of the changes in my future. I am welcoming all of this with cautious optimism, and a slight sense of happiness for what I am about to experience.

I have spent the last decade or more of my life trying to figure out what is real and what is just my diagnosis appearing as reality. In those years I have been unsuccessful in my struggle for happiness or even the slightest bit of normalcy. Since I started treatment in 2018 with my new doctors and had my entire family to support me in treatment I have not only found happiness and true reality but I’m creating memories that for the first time in a long time I can’t wait to remember when I as I get older. I just wanted to check in with you all and let you know I am still here and still fighting for my sanity everyday because we’ll it’s worth the fight to feel whole again. I’ll be checking back again soon and will keep you posted on the progress of our move. PS We close on our new home February 28th 2022.If all goes well I’ll have another post coming up to tell you all about the new place and the area of Savannah Georgia.

Keep fighting I promise it’s worth it

– Schiz N Giggles

I can be found on Twitter@schizngiggles Facebook Page Schizngiggles and on instagram @lisassessionskearney or@schizngiggles or email me at justanotherpancake@google.com I’d love some feedback or even questions or cheerleading if you have the time so feel free to reach out and get in touch with me sometime

The demons I fight

So recently I have had kind of a backslide in my mental health. I began with mania which quickly became depression and turned into brief hallucinations. Luckily my doctor was prompt and increased my medication in order to combat the symptoms. Yesterday I saw demons in the trees and a hand reach out of my tv. The plus side is that I knew it wasn’t real. However throughout the whole day I had very dark poetry running through my mind but I decided I was not well enough to share it. Today is better my mind is cleared out of the depressive thoughts that were feeding my symptoms and keeping me from getting better. Today I actually got up and accomplished a small task around the house and I am so proud of myself for being able to push through. My husband has been here for me and I really think without his support this would have been a totally different outcome for me. I realize that I should have spoken to my doctor the moment I started becoming manic and maybe I could have cut out the rest of the symptoms before they occurred. I thought that the mania would just be mania and I would use the extra energy to get my family ready for the big move next week but boy was I wrong. This is my first relapse since I underwent ECT treatment and began on Loxapine for my symptoms. I have had a few hallucinations and a little overwhelming anxiety but nothing compared to what I have just been through. I really appreciate the success I have had with treatment because I really hated the depression and feelings of relapse I just went through. I almost forgot how crappy it is to feel that way. I’m just glad to have my wonderful husband doctor and family support system that has pulled me out of it so quickly. Next time I feel a little manic I will be sure to immediately talk to my doctor so we can cut it off at the beginning before I go through full on episodic relapse symptoms. I guess I have lots to learn still and I need to stay on top of my illness before it gets bad. Always alert always aware when I can’t do that I know it’s bad. Keep me in your thoughts as I go through this transition and please always remember your mental health issues are not temporary it’s a permanent issue and if you blink even for a second it will sneak into your life and become a a big problem. Good luck to all those fighting for mental health don’t ever give up.

Demons inside my mind

Reflection of depression

They say that the eyes are the window to the soul

My depression is apparently the picture in whole

Downward spiral of the depths I keep inside

But as you can see it’s not something I can hide

No way to get control over the feelings I deny

So I fight with my all strength because you always have to try.

Soon it will be over and you’ll be better once again

Until that day comes just try to keep it in.

Don’t let it take you under or you might not see the light

Always remembering that to win you have to fight.

Put your feelings out there so that others too may see

And remember that it’s okay it’s just what is meant to be.

-Schiz N Giggles

Cognitive decline

I remember very vividly when I was 10 years old.

How I could write a story that sounded like I was old.

The words would flow right through me I wouldn’t have to think

But since my first episode all that’s begun to shrink.

It takes me too long to understand just what I read.

I go over every sentence till my brain begins to bleed.

Finding how to manage the losses that I endured

Seems might take forever for me to be reassured.

I can’t remember years of my life or family

I struggle to recognize some of the faces that I see.

I don’t know how to process information or social clues

All that is really hard because it’s something I could use

To fit in with society and act accordingly ,

Without them noticing that I’m different because what happens inside me.

my mind is just the beginning of what’s moving down the line

It’s what the doctor referred to as Cognitive decline.

-Schiz N Giggles

Don’t worry I am fine

High stress triggered my symptoms

I’ve been free of basically all my symptoms since I finished ECT and started taking my Loxapine . However since we’re moving and my stress level has started to rise immensely my symptoms are coming back. It started with a fight I had with my husband who said I never told him something that I vividly remember having multiple conversations about and then full blown mania kicked in. I’ve been manic for over a week now and I’m beginning to see messages in usernames on my social media accounts. When that started happening I quickly transitioned from mania into the beginning of depression because I am scared that multiple delusions and paranoia are going to start again. Then it’s full blown relapse at my doorstep.

I’m scared of that happening right as I move away from my family support system. Luckily I am not having to switch doctors so I know he will do everything possible to prevent me from backsliding. I just am very aware of my illness symptoms and expected the mania but I didn’t expect the hallucinations and delusions to come along with it. I’m aware that those messages aren’t real it’s my brain making me see things that aren’t there but it’s still scary. When I was sick for ten years I thought the message I saw were God talking to me through email subject lines and computer code text. This time at least I know I am just having symptoms of Schizoaffective disorder, nothing more nothing less.

I guess that’s progress and I should be happy. I just have to stay aware of my symptoms so I don’t slip fully into a state of psychosis again. My husband is keeping a close eye on my actions and words which is great and I love him for that but he keeps worrying about every little thing being a sign that I am already needing professional attention. Really I am just experiencing mania and I am not psychotic because I’m still able to realize what is not real and what is happening in my head. Once I lose that ability then I am in trouble.

I will keep posting on here until I have lost the ability to know what is real and what is delusions. There may be some crazy rants if I am not aware it’s happening so just be aware and know I will be fine . I have lots of people watching out for me and helping me stay grounded.

Keep reading and I’ll keep posting ~Schiz N giggles

Please comment below or follow me on Twitter @schizngiggles and my Facebook page Schiz N Giggles and let me know if you have any questions or want to give me some support while I am struggling. I love feedback it helps keep me motivated to share my story.

Please and thank you

Mistrust and doubt

Memories truth and dreams how do you decide

Darkness creeps in slowly and disguise the reality

But what is real only god knows for sure and we’re just here for the ride

Proof of what you remember no one can verify it.

It feels so real and so you fight with your mind

Mistrusting everything that makes up what we see

Doubting your thoughts of all reality

It’s enough to drive you crazy until you fall apart

Just accept that you have issues and you might get clarity.

When your conditions help

So we are in the process of buying our new home in Savannah Georgia. We are in underwriting now and everything is moving so quickly. I have noticed that I am beginning to get a little manic but not in an uncontrollable way. I guess it is just the excitement that is triggering the extra energy. I think it’s a good thing because normally I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I have to do to make things happen on the tight schedule we are under. I basically have 2 weeks to get my entire life and my family organized and ready for the movers to come pack our apartment and then I’ll have a week and a half to clean and pass inspection in order to leave our apartment. I have to withdraw my kids from school and keep all important documents and paperwork separate so they don’t pack them with our household goods. Then I have to figure out how to get all the stuff we keep with us packed and moved to our new home all the while taking care of the dog and cat. It’s a lot of work but that’s ok because the mania is giving me the extra boost I need not to burnout to quickly. I just pray that it doesn’t get out of control and send me into paranoid delusions or hallucinations. As long as that doesn’t happen I can say for once my condition is helpful sometimes. I say that with cautious optimism. So keep me in your thoughts over the next month and I will do my best to keep you all posted on the process and hopefully everything will be ok. Oh one last thing I get to keep my doctor because my wonderful husband is going to drive 45 minutes to an hour each day so we can stay in Georgia rather than move to South Carolina where he will be working. I love him so much. He’s my hero. Not having to change doctors has made everything so much easier to handle. Okay I’ll end this post here and I hope you will follow me on this journey.

-Schiz N Giggles

Since you’ve been gone

Since you’ve been gone a lot has changed here. We all have missed you in the past year.

The smile on your face and the light in your eye has yet to fade since you died.

We gathered together and mourned what we lost, but we know you’re happier and it’s worth the cost.

I know that you are watching us from grandma’s side, something you wanted for a long time.

To be together with her and once again see her face and for us to know your in a better place

Although I know these things that I’ve said are true, it’s still very lonely here without you.

Grandpa I miss you too much to express, so I wrote you this poem so I could confess.

I have yet had a day when I didn’t wish you were here, but I do know that one day you will be near.

To hold me in your arms and make me smile and make everything seem worthwhile.

So for now I must go but I hope you will see all of your love I carry with me.

Dedicated to my loving grandfather Pete I miss you every day and I know you are watching over me. So thanks for all the memories and I hope I can make you proud. Tell Dot I love her too.

My youngest and my Pete

I’m no Superman.

So, we’re in the process of looking for our new home right now and I must say I hate this part of moving. I fall in love with one and then it goes off the market. Plus our time frame is either too soon or too late for the homes we are looking at buying. My husband is trying to get me to slow down but I just want to get this process over with and have a starting point on planning what I will be doing and where.

I spoke about struggling to find a doctor but it’s even harder when you don’t know where you are going to live and right now we are looking up to an hour away from where he will actually be working. So that makes a huge difference when deciding where your doctor is located. My Adhd has me so scattered that I can’t even start preparations for the movers to come pack our current place and we have to get that taken care of before we can leave here. It just seems like I’m spinning out of control.

I also need to know where we are going to live to see if there are any jobs or schools I might attend while we are there. I need to know so we can see what our actual budget will be and if I have to work to afford the cost of living in these areas. I try to focus on one thing at a time but right now I either have too much time on my hands or not enough time to accomplish anything and everything I need to do to make things go smoothly. I am a constant mess and things are not going well for me right now. Fortunately we have my husband’s mother in between the two locations we are looking at so that’s a big help.

As long as everything gets done I figure we will be just fine. It’s just a matter of getting started. Once I do that I can do it all. Unfortunately that’s the hardest part for me. That and prioritizing everything and dealing with the kids all at the same time. Don’t even get me started on the school stuff I will also have to deal with eventually. I guess I just need to buckle down and get started somewhere, anywhere. Really anywhere. But when I can’t see the whole picture I have a hard time figuring it all out. I am not good with puzzles. This is going to be a rough couple of months. I just pray that I figure it out eventually.

Guess it’s time to dig out my cape

New beginnings

Okay so I’m at the starting point of our next move and I’m already beginning to get stressed out. Not only do we have to find a new home by no later than April but with all that aside there’s so much more I have to do that makes me anxious just thinking about it. I’m talking about the things you have to consider when you have a serious mental illness such as Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. Things like finding a new doctor. Now I know what you are probably thinking but for me that task is more daunting than it is for most normal people. I have lots of paranoia about doctors and I don’t trust very many people so the thought of learning to trust someone new right off the bat is very unnatural. I love the doctors I currently see and I really haven’t had great results until I found them. So trying to convince myself that I will find someone equally great is very difficult. I was living with paranoid delusions and horrible manic and depressive episodes for 10 years until I started working with my current doctors . I was completely out of touch with reality until they began treating me, and that is not something I want to go through again. The mere thought of trying to find a new doctor has me incapable of normal everyday function. I shut down completely because of the inability to accept the changes that are inevitably going to happen whether I want it to or not. I have so much to do to prepare for the physical move yet I’m paralyzed mentally because of my illness and having to work with a new doctor. It might sound crazy to most people but for me it’s very real. All I can do is try to get through this move and deal with everything else when I get to our new place but overcoming this fear is going to take everything I’ve got. Wish me luck!

Right now I can’t but hopefully soon I will
All I can do is trust, breathe.@writerdaisysunshine82

A Future for me

As I look towards the future I remember what is inside. A dark place within me that I try so hard to hide. I know I can’t remove it but I push it deeper down. I put on a smile and do my best to never frown. Each day it is easier to hide the hurt within, and to forget about the sorrow buried deep in sin. I sit up in my bed and I think of things to do. Things that keep me present and that keep me close to you. And with each that passes without fear doubt or shame, I get a little further from the person who was insane. I collect all my memories that shine a light onto my path, and lock away the horrors that have formed a seed of wrath. Your eyes they give me hope and your smile removes my fears and each day it gets easier to forget about the tears. I can’t wait to wake each morning and see your loving face. It fills my heart with love and I don’t think about that place. The place that is buried deep inside my soul, is now nothing more than an empty little hole. I fill it up with love and one day it will be gone and I will be complete again and have a brighter dawn. I hold onto this truth to forge a brand new way and the excitement builds within me knowing it gets fuller everyday. To be whole inside again helps me to hold on and I will not give up on it until I’m dead and gone. You push me to be better than I ever was before and you found the key that saved me and helped me lock the door. The door that if I opened could destroy me bit by bit, is now no longer threatening me because it does not fit. There’s no room left inside me and I owe it all to you and the determination you had to help and get me through. So as I look towards the future it is your face that I see. A face that saved my life and turned me back to me.

Hopefully you enjoyed this poem. It’s dedicated to my husband Sean whom I love and cherish most.

My heart and soul.

I know it’s been quite some time since I last wrote anything but, I have gone through quite a bit of growth and progress. I feel like I am in a better place now to share my journey thus far.

What’s Happened Thus Far

So over the last year or two I have undergone extreme intensive electro convulsive therapy better known as ECT treatment and have found it to be a game changer in the progress of my treatment. It’s not perfect but the good definitely outweighs the bad when it comes down to it. I would definitely say try it if you have little to no success in your treatment with prescriptions alone. After a year went by my memory is recovering almost completely and I have found Loxapine to be very successful at long term treatment of my Schizoaffective and bipolar symptoms. After a several months I was able to get a job working with dogs at a doggy daycare as a front desk receptionist where I received kisses and loves from the puppies on a daily basis, which obviously helped my depression. The job was good but I began to slip up and needed to focus on keeping my mental health intact so I had to leave my position. I have not gone back out to look for another job yet because my family is once again being relocated by the army for my husband’s career. This should be our last relocation before he retires! I’m looking forward to starting in a new home with a fresh start but I’m a little bit anxious about finding new doctors who understand my issues. I’m also looking forward to finding a new job or career path to follow and I hope I find something I can do successfully for the long run. My family is my everything and I will miss being so far away from them but I know my husband and children and I will make plenty of time to get back to visit throughout the years. Who knows what great things are ahead for all of us. No matter what life may bring at least we are doing it together. That’s a huge step forward from where I have been.

I will be sure to keep you all posted on the ups and downs of the move and the success and failures of my illness. I just hope that it shows just one person that there’s always hope.

Remember this when it feels like too much.

Find out who you are on the inside behind the diagnosis

Lisa Kearney

Looking forward to the future

While I may have been a bit depressed in the past about a future that included schizoaffective disorder as a diagnosis in my mental health I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Since January when I began taking loxapine, things are starting to improve. I have been able to get a job and keep it for 3 months, as well as excel in my job expectations. I’m now at a point where I’m only seeing my psychiatrist every 6-8 weeks instead of monthly and I have not been able to do that for years. I’m excited to see the improvements I have made and I’m looking forward to what my future may hold despite the diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder. I no longer feel like it’s a death sentence and I hope that this post will encourage others to keep fighting for their mental health regardless of what your diagnosis is. Positive things are out there you just have to keep searching for them no matter what your past has produced. I’m going to keep posting my blog to give hope to those who have yet to find their answer to show you that it is possible to get a normal life back. Remember this has taken 10 years for me to get to this point but you will not get here if you give up on yourself. Chins up and smiles on.

I have a job!!!

I got hired at CVS in March and I have been doing so well with it. My symptoms have drastically improved and I am gaining some strength and self confidence back. I could not be happier! Just wanted to share this so you can see the possibilities that are out there even with the diagnosis, you just can’t give up,

Finding who I am supposed to be

Looking at the past searching deep inside my mind hoping for a glimpse of who my disorder seems to hide. She got lost in my mind somewhere along the way, between the doctors and the time that swallowed her entirely. Now I’m staring at a stranger but somehow remember her in my mind. She was bold and she was feisty and she was so completely kind. All that is left of her is a shell of fleshy waste. A body with a soul that most are scared to face. That girl could do anything and she didn’t have any fears but now all that’s left are the voices that she hears. Voices that keep reminding her of how deeply she failed in life only playing over again her failures and the strife. But I’m not giving up on releasing her once more. She maybe be locked up inside my mind but I keep looking for the door. The door that will open up who I used to be and let her out of the cage so she can live freely. Banishing all the fears, self loathing, and the hate, melting the ice that froze her heart that once had sealed her fate. Allowing her to love more deeply than before, all she has to do is spread her wings and soar.

The girl locked inside

Trapt

I need to go away before my kids get screwed up so much it can’t be fixed

I’m going through a faze right now where my youngest sees my illness and has now decided that she has multiple personality disorder. She acts like these other entity’s are in control of her and of course they are all mischievous or not good personalities and they don’t listen to me either. She’s mimicking my disorder so she has an excuse to misbehave but she has convinced herself that it’s real even though it is very obviously all an act. I’m afraid that I’m a bad influence on her behavior and that if she believes wholeheartedly that she really has multiple personality disorder then she will not allow anyone else’s opinion be it professional or not to convince her that she is ok. All of this is my fault. If she wasn’t exposed to my illness she would not be acting like this. I don’t know what to do except get out of her life so she stops imitating me and maybe she will get better without me around influencing her actions. I’m so lost and so sad that this is what I have done to her just by being sick.

I’m starting to slip up

I’m having delusions and anxiety and unable to sleep or accomplish anything for the past week . Even worse II have started to take my meds at night again because I cannot shut my brain down and my anxiety is just out of control. I’m writing this to put the spotlight on my bad behavior ( the meds) so that I hold my self accountable and stop doing what I’m am doing and straighten my head and heart back out. I need to get back the process and success I had started to form so maybe one day I can experience happiness and enjoy my time with my family again before I miss my chance. Wish me luck

Letting Go So I Can Let God
😳
See I told y’all I need to get some sleep 😴

If only

I wanna cuss and scream and let these feelings out, but they are rooted in so deeply that it keeps me filled with doubt.

I’m nowhere close to normal but you try to make it so with wishful selfish feelings that you force on me to grow.

I’m never going to be nor was I ever in the past this blissful little image that you try to make me grasp.

I was broken in the beginning the middle and the end and the pieces are too small for you to build what you pretend.

That’s just not what I was built for not for ribbons pearls and bows . No I was built for suffering life’s painful blistering blows.

I serve a single purpose to feel for those who bleed and to show them how survival is a possibility.

While my life is not glamorous and at times I wished for its end, I think of those more fragile and I begin to play pretend

I pretend it’s not that bad or that I am happy deep inside but sometimes the feelings are just more than I can hide.

So if everyone could forget about their expectations for my life and just be thankful I am still standing here despite my pain and strife

Because I push myself to try to be exactly what you want but it’s just not going to happen so I have to drop that front.

It’s those expectations that cut into my core each time I fail to reach them I don’t want to live anymore

They act as if they are nails being driven into my soul a sacrifice I’ll one day make to finally fill the hole.

Never will I disappoint or cause another love more shame, for when you have nothing to left to lose everyone else has much to gain.

Sorry so dark but some days are just dark

schizandgiggles

When you have nowhere else to go

I have a friend whom I am in a support group with who is in a constant state of panic and anxiety. She’s out of herskin trying to stay calm and not do anything stupid or rash or “CRAZY”… but unfortunately it is a difficult life altering decision she is facing and her options are bleak to say the least.

She said “I am always inside my head going back and forth as to whether I’m just overly relating signs of abuse in my marriage because I’m feeling insecure or if it’s blaring itself in my face and once again I’m in denial and making excuses for bad behavior”. “I feel like I’m having to make a decision based on facts that have been tampered with by both sides. “I’m not saying my husband is this off the wall emotionally and verbally abuse mean man but I don’t think he realizes how his words affect me psychologically nor do I feel he cares and I am stuck sitting here trying to figure out if he is right or if he’s just an ass.”.

“I don’t know what came first in my path to schizoaffective disorder, the constant devaluation of my feelings and emotions and the being told I was just delusional and/or crazy/paranoid or something more terrible like manipulation or gaslighting”.

“I have read just about everything I can get my hands on and my conclusion is that I am not happy with that way things have been for a long time but I have always had a bit of hope but lately that hope seems to be a beacon for major changes in order for it to bring forth clarity and relief. ”

“I know through body language actions past and present and the way he speaks to me that our relationship is past the point of no return, but I struggle with the idea that I might throw away the chance to make sure it’s not just my perception or illness by rushing to get free. Right now I don’t eat sleep or have a non panicked thought pattern in days and all I really want is for everything to stop. I just want out and to focus on the things in life I used to love and rebuild the fearless risk taking no one can control me personality I once owned proudly. ”

“Roughly about 12-15 years have passed since I could even remember who that girl was and it’s been what feels like a lifetime of berating, devaluing, controlling phrases and actions that have kept her from reappearing now. I have convinced myself she would make everything worse for so long that I believed all the things he said to me and about my disability just to avoid having to fight to keep him from making me wish for death anymore that day.”

“I know it’s not right to believe the things he’s said but I truly feel worthless, crazy, unfit as a parent and like I will never be good enough and never make him happy. I’m beginning to understand why everything goes so much smoother when I am away from everyone. Because he is right. I’m the problem and I create issues that don’t exist. I don’t know how to make a decision on my own anymore but I’m sure one will get made and I’ll probably be the one that gets screwed out of happiness again. But I just hope a decision and a plan is put into action soon because I have no fight left and I’m beyond the ability to consider how everyone would be so sad if I died because right now I’m already dead I just experiencing the muscle spasms that follow death. I’m at the I don’t care about anything else right now except making it all stop stage. ”

Well that’s my friends story and I hope this sheds some light on the difficulties of not being able to trust reality and your own mind in day to day life.

Walking between the walls

I am just going to write you a little poetry this time around. Here I go.

Everything looks familiar, like I have been here before. Yet I’ve been walking on this journey now but I still can’t find a door.

Surrounded by these walls and not a single day goes by, where I haven’t fallen to my knees to just break down and cry.

I scratch and kick the cement in search of a hidden passage way but to my own detriment I am stuck and have to stay.

Each day I awake and find I’m still inside this place, my mind begins to process the fear shown on my face.

It knows with each passing day that death is nearby and my mind begins to transmit to me that I am probably gonna die

Solutions to escape take a backseat to panic pain and defeat and the only thing left for me to do is welcome death’s sweet relief.

Unable to find a reason why I should bother looking anymore I close my eyes and beg for death to come sweep me off the floor.

And just as death comes close to taking me away I open up my eyes to find it’s another day.

No matter how much I beg for someone to set me free the only way out of here is to let go of what you see.

Fears are cement bricks and when they surround you they form a grave. If you choose to let them win there’s no way you can be saved.

But if you choose to let go of fear and allow yourself to feel then the next time you open up your eyes you’ll see it wasn’t real.

Only then can you escape from the prison in your mind and only then will you see the doors you’re meant to find.

Hope y’all enjoyed this, I love writing poetry it challenges me to feel my words in ways I don’t normally.

-Schizandgiggles

The pressure death

The new way of committing suicide I believe is to keep allowing life to add pressure when you know that you can’t handle anything else at the time. We have to prioritize our own state of wellbeing before we can continue to add issues and stress to our already overwhelmed bodies and minds.

Now I know things like to happen all at once but we have to respect the fact that relapse or worse is bound to happen if we don’t put some stuff down and deal only with what is absolutely essential. And sometimes that means going back into the hospital in order to just make it all stop and sort through the really important tasks until you have a clear view of things. We know the voices never really give good advice but sometimes it just seems like everything they are saying holds some merit in a weird sort of way.

So why is it so hard to ask for help? For me it was my daughter’s 10th birthday and her crying because she didn’t want mommy to go away. I didn’t go to the hospital. I should have gone nothing has really changed since last Wednesday night. I’m still under immense pressure between work home life, the kids and my husband there’s nothing I can just put to the side without backlash or major issues arising from doing so.

I don’t really know what I need to do now, but maybe I’ll figure it out before it actually kills me (mentally, emotionally, and otherwise). I am still entertaining the hospital avenue but I really hope something gives so that I don’t have to. I would like to think that if it’s truly the right place for me to survive then I’ll know and go without hesitation but if I fall into another delusions I might not be able to see the dire situation I’m in.

If you have a friend who’s always in the pressure cooker and seems a bit depressed or overwhelmed be sure to tell them that there is help for them all the time and you’d be happy to lend an ear if they need one.

Holding on to what I’ve got. Even if it kills me,

Schiz & Giggles

The thing about change

When I think about my life consistency is not a word I would ever use. However one word that is consistent in my life is change. I am consistently going through change and I don’t do change well. I am truly sorry to everyone internet and physical folks for anything I post over the next few months. I am about to go through some life altering moments that deal with my mental physical emotional and professional life and I don’t feel very confident in how things are going to play out and how I will respond to them.

I don’t know if I will be back to post soon but keep your eyes peeled and I’ll fill you in when Life stops trying to come crashing down all around me

Thanks for checking in!

Schiz and Giggles

The Noise

It’s never really silent and why that doesn’t work for me.


First off let me say I’m sorry for not posting for a while. You see part of this disorder is mood disorder, mine being bipolar type 1 rapid cycling. This means I have manic phases and I have depressive phases and they interchange very quickly from one to another. That doesn’t mean the phases are short, however, my manic phases are usually much shorter than my depressive phases, it just means that basically if I not one then I am probably the other. I don’t really have an in-between or normal phase. Lately, I have been going through a very rough depressive phase and I have not been able to write anything. So I decided to try now to see if it helps me break out of this bottomless sea of depression somehow. So here goes nothing.

   I’ll tell you about the noise. The noises are hallucinations and paranoia mixed for me. Medication helps deal with the major outbursts that make me want to end my life sometimes but it doesn’t stop the backhanded comments or the chatter of a crowded room nor does it stop the paranoia from hearing someone behind a door or making sounds in a quiet room. This is why I say it’s never quiet and when the voices cease the noises fill the silence.

    I’m in a constant state of noise and confusion putting me in an anxiety ridden mental state at all times. Another thing that happens when I have all the noise filling my head is that I forget things. I forget entire conversations and sometimes entire days at a time. I forget things my kids ask about and then I cannot find them temporarily, or my husband will ask me to do something important and I will completely forget and it can mess with his career. As you can see the anxiety is rising in me right now just thinking about it.

     So obviously these things can have a profound affect on a person. Seeing as though I am a parent and a wife, I have duties to uphold and most of the time I feel as though I can’t hack it (more so than normal mothers). I also fear losing the memories of my marriage and my children growing up and them being replaced by false thoughts and bad depressive days. My manic days are causing problems because they have been known to cause me to spend thousands of dollars over the course of my illness thus far, which in return creates financial and marital strain.

    I can say one thing. I will probably never have more than an entry level job, and that’s on the chance I can handle the pressures of a job. I used to want to be something. Make my parents proud. I wanted to start from the bottom and become the best and say hey I did that on my own. Well now it’s not likely for me. Now I just want to not screw up my entire life and live through the worst days. I haven’t worked recently enough to qualify for disability and the last time I tried to get SSI we had too much money to qualify but not enough money to afford assistance for me at home. We are military and move around quite a bit so we aren’t really anywhere long enough for my paranoia to allow anyone new into my home anyways. 

So that’s the noise, voices saying I should go kill myself or simply pointing out how screwed up of a parent I am and how my kids will suffer because of me, or the guy on the other side of the door speaking but not loudly enough to hear what he’s saying, or to the doors slamming in my home but no one is awake except me, or simply the mumble of a crowed office or lounge where everyone’s speaking but no one really says a word, just noise The are the some of things schizoaffective disorder does to me. That’s just the tip of the illness iceburg.

 

-Schiz and Giggle

schizandgiggles.com@gmail.com

The Choice To Share

I lack patience more often than not, but dealing with my disorder can’t be one of those times.

Most of the time I get asked why do I share so openly about my disorder. To answer that I simply say I need a reminders that my disorder is real. Also, I hope someone can see my ups and downs and it helps them to see that it’s not a life-ending sentence they’ve been handed. While difficult to deal with on a daily basis, I have found the right treatment plan, effective coping skills, strong faith, and the will to be my best possible self all diminish the worst aspects of what I go through.

I really try to remember the bible verse above James 1:3. When my faith is being tested, whether by hallucinations, delusions, paranoia or some other dilemma, I must wait for God to decide it’s time for it to pass, and I must pray for his help to get me through the episode. I say this verse because we often forget that we are not on our time frame but the plan that is already in motion is on God’s schedule, and therefore we must be patient.

You see I believe we all have a choice. Either we can sit around alone with our problems, or we can write, talk, video blog or whatever and possibly affect someone by saying what they might not be able too. We can give our problems a voice and show people they are not alone or the only one feeling a certain way. If we do this we can help slow down the suicide rate and fully affect real CHANGE! Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

All it takes is for people to sit around their electronics…..where we know they already are and just vent and show gratitude for the good things they have already. Reach out to a mental health forum if only to show sympathy and support. Heck pick a new group every week and spread the love, because we all know the world desperately needs more love and support in it.

This is the reason I choose to share my issue so openly because maybe, just maybe someone will choose not to become impatient with God’s plan and maybe they won’t proceed with their own plan to take their own life. It’s my choice and no one can stop me from trying.

Respectfully,

Schiz and Giggles

What Helps Me?

A long time without knowing

Acceptance and Patience.


I was formally diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder in March of 2011. However that is not when things started to get better. For starters, my schizoaffective disorder is essentially a mix of schizophrenic symptoms and bipolar symptoms. In my case it was paranoia and delusions, mixed with bipolar depression and manic symptoms that were rapid cycling. Meaning my mood went from crying over everything to feeling like I could be the President of the United States and solve the world’s problems all within a period of a week to a month. The paranoia and delusions however would last for months to a year or more.

In 2011 I was so delusional I didn’t believe my diagnosis was real. I believed that I had discovered some hidden information and that my doctor and my husband were just trying to convince me it wasn’t real in order to keep the secrets hidden. I refused to accept that I was schizoaffective. So my condition while seemingly began to improve was actually getting worse because I wasn’t receiving treatment. What happened was that I had snapped out of one delusion and my symptoms became dormant, but that just convinced me I didn’t have a problem. The next time it would appear was a lot worse, voices, hallucinations, delusions. At that time I even believed I was talking directly to God himself via my email inbox and junk mail folders on the computer. I believed the headers and file names were in a specific order and the pattern was the message from God.

I heard voices warning me about terrible things that were going to happen what I should do to escape these terrible events. At one point I even left the house believing the pizza delivery guy was coming to kill me or kidnap me and take me somewhere they could cut my head open and experiment on my brain. Then my mother came to visit. As we were driving down the road back to the house from the airport I began to tell her about the emails being from God and the Pizza guy trying to kill or kidnap me and I remember the look on her face being very confused. No matter how much she tried not to look shocked or sad I could tell what I was saying was very off the wall and probably not very possible and I knew what the doctors had said in 2011 was exactly what I was going through at that point. There was no more denying the diagnosis anymore.

What ended up helping me the most was being able to hear myself say what was happening and have understanding however untrue the understanding was from my loved ones. While they didn’t truly understand me because what I was saying was, forgive me for lack of a better word crazy, it was real. They did their best to just listen and show compassion when I felt trapped and scared. Scared to sound crazy, and trapped by my delusions but not judged by the ones who meant the most to me was the true way I was able to begin the healing process. I didn’t accept my diagnosis because I was afraid I would lose my ability as a person to have a perspective on anything. Or that I would lose my children or my husband because of my diagnosis. Those things still scare me to death but they are things I have accepted as possible outcomes should I chose to forget what cards I have been dealt and not continue my treatment. Those are the things that helped me the most.

The Delusions.

We must not go it alone.

       I woke up and thought today’s a good day, only to find out it was just the start of a week long delusion. I received an email from my healthcare provider and I of course took to the website to check out what I was getting in regards to healthcare for the money we pay to have insurance. Once I see the odd company’s name listed with no provider shown I began to question things. I looked up the company and figured out what they do but somewhere in my reading, my schizoaffective kicked in and I was down the rabbit hole.

        Before I realized what was happening my paranoia made it’s presence know and by the end of the day I was convinced people were studying me and companies were tampering with my medication. I didn’t know what to do. I knew everyone would think I was crazy if I said anything, so I didn’t say anything. However hiding a delusion and constant paranoia is more difficult that it looks, and I was beginning to show in everything I did. That’s when I told my husband what my problem was and listened to how crazy the idea sounded. He was super supportive and understanding, reminding me that it was the schizoaffective talking and how things will get better if I just keep reminding myself of that.

        I took nearly a week and I still don’t totally disbelieve my scenario to be untrue, but I believe it enough to get through today without it tearing me down.  Sometimes I just have to remind myself in the grand scheme of things, I am just not that important, and I have nothing these companies need that they can’t get on their own using a paid research participants. It’s not a solution to my symptoms but it surely does alleviate some of the residual exhaustion the symptoms produce. For me that’s better than nothing.

-Schiz & Giggles

Nowhere, to start…

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Thanks for stopping by to check out my blog!

“Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter.”— Izaak Walton

      Below are some pictures of me to show you a glimpse of what my husband sees everyday. It’s also a way for you to see the many faces I wear. Hope you find them entertaining or at least educational. 😬😂

I will be adding more pictures as I add to my blog posts. 

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