A glimpse of happiness

Finally feeling happiness and joy since my doctor added Zoloft to my medication regiment

I can feel the edges curve upwards on my cheeks.

A feeling at first not recognized for its not normal for me .

It’s been more than a decade since I’ve truly felt this way.

At first it scared me as mania and I’m not sure what to say.

But I realize I am not dreaming the feelings I felt inside.

For my smile is usually covering a different feeling I’m trying to hide.

I worry it won’t last long and will slowly slip away .

But unless I am just dreaming I’m feeling more than just ok.

For once I feel true joy and gratitude wells up in me.

Happiness fills my heart and soul and left a smile for all to see.

Even if it’s for a little while I am so thankful I have this time.

Without the darkness swallowing my soul and filling it with grime.

A simple unexpected smile has given me so much hope.

I don’t care what might happen or even if I look like a dope.

I will cherish the time forever no matter how long this feeling lasts.

Forgetting all my suffering from my illness in the past.

I will wake up each day and thank Heaven for the chance

To feel something normal inside even if it’s just a glance.

Waiting for the call

So I have applied for a job that I got as far as I can tell. I applied to PetSmart as a groomer in training. Only thing is that I am waiting for my background check to come back and it seems to be taking longer than expected. I am getting anxiety waiting for the call to come back to tell me I can start working. I’m beginning to wonder if I just made it all up but I checked in with the store manager and they said they are still waiting for the checks to come in and they will call me when they get the results.

I know I don’t have anything incriminating on my reports but I just don’t understand what is taking so long. It’s got me building delusions of what could possibly be going on. Things like they found someone else better. Or maybe decided that I would be unable to do the job because of my illness.

I just really got excited about the idea of having a career and now I am filled with doubt. I would do anything to not have these thoughts and just be normal and patient but I’m not built this way.

I’ll keep you posted on the details of this journey as they progress. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and maybe I will be able to hold on until I hear back from the store. Until then medication is my first line of defense and I will just keep my fingers crossed for good news soon.

Thanks everyone, -Schizngiggles

Starting in new places

So I’m getting all moved into my new home and all I can say is it’s amazing here. I love my new house and my husband has made the whole process as easy for me as possible. Everything has turned out really well. For the most part I’m over my manic stage and have not sunk into depression because my doctor adjusted my meds. Which believe me is a huge deal. I almost always get depressed after a manic stage.

Everything seems so calm here and I’m really excited to start a new life here in Savannah. I can’t wait to see what is ahead for me and my family. I’ll keep you posted on the new experiences I have very soon. Sorry I haven’t posted it has been kinda crazy around here unpacking everything.

-Schiz N Giggles

Moving towards a new horizon

Let me start by apologizing for not posting anything in a little while. This move has had my Schizoaffective symptoms in high gear and honestly that is probably when I should be posting more but I was unable to organize my thoughts and feelings into coherent statements that would have helped anyone. So for that I apologize. However through the manic mood swings and, mild delusions set off by a never ending spiral of thoughts and feelings I have gotten to a place where I can finally tell you that I am accepting all of the changes in my future. I am welcoming all of this with cautious optimism, and a slight sense of happiness for what I am about to experience.

I have spent the last decade or more of my life trying to figure out what is real and what is just my diagnosis appearing as reality. In those years I have been unsuccessful in my struggle for happiness or even the slightest bit of normalcy. Since I started treatment in 2018 with my new doctors and had my entire family to support me in treatment I have not only found happiness and true reality but I’m creating memories that for the first time in a long time I can’t wait to remember when I as I get older. I just wanted to check in with you all and let you know I am still here and still fighting for my sanity everyday because we’ll it’s worth the fight to feel whole again. I’ll be checking back again soon and will keep you posted on the progress of our move. PS We close on our new home February 28th 2022.If all goes well I’ll have another post coming up to tell you all about the new place and the area of Savannah Georgia.

Keep fighting I promise it’s worth it

– Schiz N Giggles

I can be found on Twitter@schizngiggles Facebook Page Schizngiggles and on instagram @lisassessionskearney or@schizngiggles or email me at justanotherpancake@google.com I’d love some feedback or even questions or cheerleading if you have the time so feel free to reach out and get in touch with me sometime

The demons I fight

So recently I have had kind of a backslide in my mental health. I began with mania which quickly became depression and turned into brief hallucinations. Luckily my doctor was prompt and increased my medication in order to combat the symptoms. Yesterday I saw demons in the trees and a hand reach out of my tv. The plus side is that I knew it wasn’t real. However throughout the whole day I had very dark poetry running through my mind but I decided I was not well enough to share it. Today is better my mind is cleared out of the depressive thoughts that were feeding my symptoms and keeping me from getting better. Today I actually got up and accomplished a small task around the house and I am so proud of myself for being able to push through. My husband has been here for me and I really think without his support this would have been a totally different outcome for me. I realize that I should have spoken to my doctor the moment I started becoming manic and maybe I could have cut out the rest of the symptoms before they occurred. I thought that the mania would just be mania and I would use the extra energy to get my family ready for the big move next week but boy was I wrong. This is my first relapse since I underwent ECT treatment and began on Loxapine for my symptoms. I have had a few hallucinations and a little overwhelming anxiety but nothing compared to what I have just been through. I really appreciate the success I have had with treatment because I really hated the depression and feelings of relapse I just went through. I almost forgot how crappy it is to feel that way. I’m just glad to have my wonderful husband doctor and family support system that has pulled me out of it so quickly. Next time I feel a little manic I will be sure to immediately talk to my doctor so we can cut it off at the beginning before I go through full on episodic relapse symptoms. I guess I have lots to learn still and I need to stay on top of my illness before it gets bad. Always alert always aware when I can’t do that I know it’s bad. Keep me in your thoughts as I go through this transition and please always remember your mental health issues are not temporary it’s a permanent issue and if you blink even for a second it will sneak into your life and become a a big problem. Good luck to all those fighting for mental health don’t ever give up.

Demons inside my mind

Reflection of depression

They say that the eyes are the window to the soul

My depression is apparently the picture in whole

Downward spiral of the depths I keep inside

But as you can see it’s not something I can hide

No way to get control over the feelings I deny

So I fight with my all strength because you always have to try.

Soon it will be over and you’ll be better once again

Until that day comes just try to keep it in.

Don’t let it take you under or you might not see the light

Always remembering that to win you have to fight.

Put your feelings out there so that others too may see

And remember that it’s okay it’s just what is meant to be.

-Schiz N Giggles

Cognitive decline

I remember very vividly when I was 10 years old.

How I could write a story that sounded like I was old.

The words would flow right through me I wouldn’t have to think

But since my first episode all that’s begun to shrink.

It takes me too long to understand just what I read.

I go over every sentence till my brain begins to bleed.

Finding how to manage the losses that I endured

Seems might take forever for me to be reassured.

I can’t remember years of my life or family

I struggle to recognize some of the faces that I see.

I don’t know how to process information or social clues

All that is really hard because it’s something I could use

To fit in with society and act accordingly ,

Without them noticing that I’m different because what happens inside me.

my mind is just the beginning of what’s moving down the line

It’s what the doctor referred to as Cognitive decline.

-Schiz N Giggles

Don’t worry I am fine

Mistrust and doubt

Memories truth and dreams how do you decide

Darkness creeps in slowly and disguise the reality

But what is real only god knows for sure and we’re just here for the ride

Proof of what you remember no one can verify it.

It feels so real and so you fight with your mind

Mistrusting everything that makes up what we see

Doubting your thoughts of all reality

It’s enough to drive you crazy until you fall apart

Just accept that you have issues and you might get clarity.

When your conditions help

So we are in the process of buying our new home in Savannah Georgia. We are in underwriting now and everything is moving so quickly. I have noticed that I am beginning to get a little manic but not in an uncontrollable way. I guess it is just the excitement that is triggering the extra energy. I think it’s a good thing because normally I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I have to do to make things happen on the tight schedule we are under. I basically have 2 weeks to get my entire life and my family organized and ready for the movers to come pack our apartment and then I’ll have a week and a half to clean and pass inspection in order to leave our apartment. I have to withdraw my kids from school and keep all important documents and paperwork separate so they don’t pack them with our household goods. Then I have to figure out how to get all the stuff we keep with us packed and moved to our new home all the while taking care of the dog and cat. It’s a lot of work but that’s ok because the mania is giving me the extra boost I need not to burnout to quickly. I just pray that it doesn’t get out of control and send me into paranoid delusions or hallucinations. As long as that doesn’t happen I can say for once my condition is helpful sometimes. I say that with cautious optimism. So keep me in your thoughts over the next month and I will do my best to keep you all posted on the process and hopefully everything will be ok. Oh one last thing I get to keep my doctor because my wonderful husband is going to drive 45 minutes to an hour each day so we can stay in Georgia rather than move to South Carolina where he will be working. I love him so much. He’s my hero. Not having to change doctors has made everything so much easier to handle. Okay I’ll end this post here and I hope you will follow me on this journey.

-Schiz N Giggles

Since you’ve been gone

Since you’ve been gone a lot has changed here. We all have missed you in the past year.

The smile on your face and the light in your eye has yet to fade since you died.

We gathered together and mourned what we lost, but we know you’re happier and it’s worth the cost.

I know that you are watching us from grandma’s side, something you wanted for a long time.

To be together with her and once again see her face and for us to know your in a better place

Although I know these things that I’ve said are true, it’s still very lonely here without you.

Grandpa I miss you too much to express, so I wrote you this poem so I could confess.

I have yet had a day when I didn’t wish you were here, but I do know that one day you will be near.

To hold me in your arms and make me smile and make everything seem worthwhile.

So for now I must go but I hope you will see all of your love I carry with me.

Dedicated to my loving grandfather Pete I miss you every day and I know you are watching over me. So thanks for all the memories and I hope I can make you proud. Tell Dot I love her too.

My youngest and my Pete

New beginnings

Okay so I’m at the starting point of our next move and I’m already beginning to get stressed out. Not only do we have to find a new home by no later than April but with all that aside there’s so much more I have to do that makes me anxious just thinking about it. I’m talking about the things you have to consider when you have a serious mental illness such as Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. Things like finding a new doctor. Now I know what you are probably thinking but for me that task is more daunting than it is for most normal people. I have lots of paranoia about doctors and I don’t trust very many people so the thought of learning to trust someone new right off the bat is very unnatural. I love the doctors I currently see and I really haven’t had great results until I found them. So trying to convince myself that I will find someone equally great is very difficult. I was living with paranoid delusions and horrible manic and depressive episodes for 10 years until I started working with my current doctors . I was completely out of touch with reality until they began treating me, and that is not something I want to go through again. The mere thought of trying to find a new doctor has me incapable of normal everyday function. I shut down completely because of the inability to accept the changes that are inevitably going to happen whether I want it to or not. I have so much to do to prepare for the physical move yet I’m paralyzed mentally because of my illness and having to work with a new doctor. It might sound crazy to most people but for me it’s very real. All I can do is try to get through this move and deal with everything else when I get to our new place but overcoming this fear is going to take everything I’ve got. Wish me luck!

Right now I can’t but hopefully soon I will
All I can do is trust, breathe.@writerdaisysunshine82

A Future for me

As I look towards the future I remember what is inside. A dark place within me that I try so hard to hide. I know I can’t remove it but I push it deeper down. I put on a smile and do my best to never frown. Each day it is easier to hide the hurt within, and to forget about the sorrow buried deep in sin. I sit up in my bed and I think of things to do. Things that keep me present and that keep me close to you. And with each that passes without fear doubt or shame, I get a little further from the person who was insane. I collect all my memories that shine a light onto my path, and lock away the horrors that have formed a seed of wrath. Your eyes they give me hope and your smile removes my fears and each day it gets easier to forget about the tears. I can’t wait to wake each morning and see your loving face. It fills my heart with love and I don’t think about that place. The place that is buried deep inside my soul, is now nothing more than an empty little hole. I fill it up with love and one day it will be gone and I will be complete again and have a brighter dawn. I hold onto this truth to forge a brand new way and the excitement builds within me knowing it gets fuller everyday. To be whole inside again helps me to hold on and I will not give up on it until I’m dead and gone. You push me to be better than I ever was before and you found the key that saved me and helped me lock the door. The door that if I opened could destroy me bit by bit, is now no longer threatening me because it does not fit. There’s no room left inside me and I owe it all to you and the determination you had to help and get me through. So as I look towards the future it is your face that I see. A face that saved my life and turned me back to me.

Hopefully you enjoyed this poem. It’s dedicated to my husband Sean whom I love and cherish most.

My heart and soul.

I know it’s been quite some time since I last wrote anything but, I have gone through quite a bit of growth and progress. I feel like I am in a better place now to share my journey thus far.

What’s Happened Thus Far

So over the last year or two I have undergone extreme intensive electro convulsive therapy better known as ECT treatment and have found it to be a game changer in the progress of my treatment. It’s not perfect but the good definitely outweighs the bad when it comes down to it. I would definitely say try it if you have little to no success in your treatment with prescriptions alone. After a year went by my memory is recovering almost completely and I have found Loxapine to be very successful at long term treatment of my Schizoaffective and bipolar symptoms. After a several months I was able to get a job working with dogs at a doggy daycare as a front desk receptionist where I received kisses and loves from the puppies on a daily basis, which obviously helped my depression. The job was good but I began to slip up and needed to focus on keeping my mental health intact so I had to leave my position. I have not gone back out to look for another job yet because my family is once again being relocated by the army for my husband’s career. This should be our last relocation before he retires! I’m looking forward to starting in a new home with a fresh start but I’m a little bit anxious about finding new doctors who understand my issues. I’m also looking forward to finding a new job or career path to follow and I hope I find something I can do successfully for the long run. My family is my everything and I will miss being so far away from them but I know my husband and children and I will make plenty of time to get back to visit throughout the years. Who knows what great things are ahead for all of us. No matter what life may bring at least we are doing it together. That’s a huge step forward from where I have been.

I will be sure to keep you all posted on the ups and downs of the move and the success and failures of my illness. I just hope that it shows just one person that there’s always hope.

Remember this when it feels like too much.

Find out who you are on the inside behind the diagnosis

Lisa Kearney

Looking forward to the future

While I may have been a bit depressed in the past about a future that included schizoaffective disorder as a diagnosis in my mental health I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Since January when I began taking loxapine, things are starting to improve. I have been able to get a job and keep it for 3 months, as well as excel in my job expectations. I’m now at a point where I’m only seeing my psychiatrist every 6-8 weeks instead of monthly and I have not been able to do that for years. I’m excited to see the improvements I have made and I’m looking forward to what my future may hold despite the diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder. I no longer feel like it’s a death sentence and I hope that this post will encourage others to keep fighting for their mental health regardless of what your diagnosis is. Positive things are out there you just have to keep searching for them no matter what your past has produced. I’m going to keep posting my blog to give hope to those who have yet to find their answer to show you that it is possible to get a normal life back. Remember this has taken 10 years for me to get to this point but you will not get here if you give up on yourself. Chins up and smiles on.

I have a job!!!

I got hired at CVS in March and I have been doing so well with it. My symptoms have drastically improved and I am gaining some strength and self confidence back. I could not be happier! Just wanted to share this so you can see the possibilities that are out there even with the diagnosis, you just can’t give up,

Finding who I am supposed to be

Looking at the past searching deep inside my mind hoping for a glimpse of who my disorder seems to hide. She got lost in my mind somewhere along the way, between the doctors and the time that swallowed her entirely. Now I’m staring at a stranger but somehow remember her in my mind. She was bold and she was feisty and she was so completely kind. All that is left of her is a shell of fleshy waste. A body with a soul that most are scared to face. That girl could do anything and she didn’t have any fears but now all that’s left are the voices that she hears. Voices that keep reminding her of how deeply she failed in life only playing over again her failures and the strife. But I’m not giving up on releasing her once more. She maybe be locked up inside my mind but I keep looking for the door. The door that will open up who I used to be and let her out of the cage so she can live freely. Banishing all the fears, self loathing, and the hate, melting the ice that froze her heart that once had sealed her fate. Allowing her to love more deeply than before, all she has to do is spread her wings and soar.

The girl locked inside

Trapt

I need to go away before my kids get screwed up so much it can’t be fixed

I’m going through a faze right now where my youngest sees my illness and has now decided that she has multiple personality disorder. She acts like these other entity’s are in control of her and of course they are all mischievous or not good personalities and they don’t listen to me either. She’s mimicking my disorder so she has an excuse to misbehave but she has convinced herself that it’s real even though it is very obviously all an act. I’m afraid that I’m a bad influence on her behavior and that if she believes wholeheartedly that she really has multiple personality disorder then she will not allow anyone else’s opinion be it professional or not to convince her that she is ok. All of this is my fault. If she wasn’t exposed to my illness she would not be acting like this. I don’t know what to do except get out of her life so she stops imitating me and maybe she will get better without me around influencing her actions. I’m so lost and so sad that this is what I have done to her just by being sick.

I’m starting to slip up

I’m having delusions and anxiety and unable to sleep or accomplish anything for the past week . Even worse II have started to take my meds at night again because I cannot shut my brain down and my anxiety is just out of control. I’m writing this to put the spotlight on my bad behavior ( the meds) so that I hold my self accountable and stop doing what I’m am doing and straighten my head and heart back out. I need to get back the process and success I had started to form so maybe one day I can experience happiness and enjoy my time with my family again before I miss my chance. Wish me luck

Letting Go So I Can Let God
😳
See I told y’all I need to get some sleep 😴

When you have nowhere else to go

I have a friend whom I am in a support group with who is in a constant state of panic and anxiety. She’s out of herskin trying to stay calm and not do anything stupid or rash or “CRAZY”… but unfortunately it is a difficult life altering decision she is facing and her options are bleak to say the least.

She said “I am always inside my head going back and forth as to whether I’m just overly relating signs of abuse in my marriage because I’m feeling insecure or if it’s blaring itself in my face and once again I’m in denial and making excuses for bad behavior”. “I feel like I’m having to make a decision based on facts that have been tampered with by both sides. “I’m not saying my husband is this off the wall emotionally and verbally abuse mean man but I don’t think he realizes how his words affect me psychologically nor do I feel he cares and I am stuck sitting here trying to figure out if he is right or if he’s just an ass.”.

“I don’t know what came first in my path to schizoaffective disorder, the constant devaluation of my feelings and emotions and the being told I was just delusional and/or crazy/paranoid or something more terrible like manipulation or gaslighting”.

“I have read just about everything I can get my hands on and my conclusion is that I am not happy with that way things have been for a long time but I have always had a bit of hope but lately that hope seems to be a beacon for major changes in order for it to bring forth clarity and relief. ”

“I know through body language actions past and present and the way he speaks to me that our relationship is past the point of no return, but I struggle with the idea that I might throw away the chance to make sure it’s not just my perception or illness by rushing to get free. Right now I don’t eat sleep or have a non panicked thought pattern in days and all I really want is for everything to stop. I just want out and to focus on the things in life I used to love and rebuild the fearless risk taking no one can control me personality I once owned proudly. ”

“Roughly about 12-15 years have passed since I could even remember who that girl was and it’s been what feels like a lifetime of berating, devaluing, controlling phrases and actions that have kept her from reappearing now. I have convinced myself she would make everything worse for so long that I believed all the things he said to me and about my disability just to avoid having to fight to keep him from making me wish for death anymore that day.”

“I know it’s not right to believe the things he’s said but I truly feel worthless, crazy, unfit as a parent and like I will never be good enough and never make him happy. I’m beginning to understand why everything goes so much smoother when I am away from everyone. Because he is right. I’m the problem and I create issues that don’t exist. I don’t know how to make a decision on my own anymore but I’m sure one will get made and I’ll probably be the one that gets screwed out of happiness again. But I just hope a decision and a plan is put into action soon because I have no fight left and I’m beyond the ability to consider how everyone would be so sad if I died because right now I’m already dead I just experiencing the muscle spasms that follow death. I’m at the I don’t care about anything else right now except making it all stop stage. ”

Well that’s my friends story and I hope this sheds some light on the difficulties of not being able to trust reality and your own mind in day to day life.

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