The first time I realized that maybe something might be wrong with me, I was immobilized. Confusion and fear took captive my entire version of reality. Could it be that they are right, that I am mentally ill, and everything I believe to be real is just a delusion? My entire existence came into question and my head was ready to explode with the flood of emotions running rampant inside of me. You see it’s kind of deafening at first when you begin to question everything you think and feel. I thought I would try something different in this blog post. I created a form with some questions and I wanted to gather other people’s experiences with mental illness. The form is anonymous and I would love to have others’ experiences to share with my readers. So if you have a moment it’s a short questionnaire just fill it out and I will use your answers to give a broader picture of what it’s like to live with mental illnesses.

Here’s a link to the form. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfKKO8DwwVLYckhjo4qhvjloXK3B8My1u3Tr1mhf6oZ6Qt9bA/viewform

So I just turned 40 April 20th and I also set up a new career as a pet stylist. At first I thought who starts a career at forty, man I am way behind. Then I read the message above and I felt like it is ok I am not behind I am right where I am supposed to be in my life. I may not be where most people my age are but the fact that I am here at all is nothing short of a miracle, multiple miracles actually. I have been in inpatient hospitals multiple times over the past 12 years and most of the stays were due to suicide attempts or suicidal ideation. My husband, and family have been the only reason I have made it this far. I am so grateful for everything they have done to get me to the point where I am actually able to even think about having a job or even attempt to start a career.

So even though I am just getting started I am really ahead of the game considering my mental illness. I can hold my head up high considering how much work it took me to get where I am today. In itself it has been my career surviving thus far. I hope if you are reading this and you suffer from mental illness that you can see it’s not where are but where you’ve been and where you are going that determine success in life. . You are right where you are supposed to be. Don’t judge yourself by comparing yourself to other people that haven’t been where you have been. It’s not a competition and everyone has their own battles to fight ours are just more complex than others. So keep fighting the battle and remember you will get where you are going in your own time. Pat yourselves on the back for the times you have survived to fight another day. Some people never make it that far.

I’ve been free of basically all my symptoms since I finished ECT and started taking my Loxapine . However since we’re moving and my stress level has started to rise immensely my symptoms are coming back. It started with a fight I had with my husband who said I never told him something that I vividly remember having multiple conversations about and then full blown mania kicked in. I’ve been manic for over a week now and I’m beginning to see messages in usernames on my social media accounts. When that started happening I quickly transitioned from mania into the beginning of depression because I am scared that multiple delusions and paranoia are going to start again. Then it’s full blown relapse at my doorstep.

I’m scared of that happening right as I move away from my family support system. Luckily I am not having to switch doctors so I know he will do everything possible to prevent me from backsliding. I just am very aware of my illness symptoms and expected the mania but I didn’t expect the hallucinations and delusions to come along with it. I’m aware that those messages aren’t real it’s my brain making me see things that aren’t there but it’s still scary. When I was sick for ten years I thought the message I saw were God talking to me through email subject lines and computer code text. This time at least I know I am just having symptoms of Schizoaffective disorder, nothing more nothing less.

I guess that’s progress and I should be happy. I just have to stay aware of my symptoms so I don’t slip fully into a state of psychosis again. My husband is keeping a close eye on my actions and words which is great and I love him for that but he keeps worrying about every little thing being a sign that I am already needing professional attention. Really I am just experiencing mania and I am not psychotic because I’m still able to realize what is not real and what is happening in my head. Once I lose that ability then I am in trouble.

Keep reading and I’ll keep posting ~Schiz N giggles

Please comment below or follow me on Twitter @schizngiggles and my Facebook page Schiz N Giggles and let me know if you have any questions or want to give me some support while I am struggling. I love feedback it helps keep me motivated to share my story.

So, we’re in the process of looking for our new home right now and I must say I hate this part of moving. I fall in love with one and then it goes off the market. Plus our time frame is either too soon or too late for the homes we are looking at buying. My husband is trying to get me to slow down but I just want to get this process over with and have a starting point on planning what I will be doing and where.

I spoke about struggling to find a doctor but it’s even harder when you don’t know where you are going to live and right now we are looking up to an hour away from where he will actually be working. So that makes a huge difference when deciding where your doctor is located. My Adhd has me so scattered that I can’t even start preparations for the movers to come pack our current place and we have to get that taken care of before we can leave here. It just seems like I’m spinning out of control.

I also need to know where we are going to live to see if there are any jobs or schools I might attend while we are there. I need to know so we can see what our actual budget will be and if I have to work to afford the cost of living in these areas. I try to focus on one thing at a time but right now I either have too much time on my hands or not enough time to accomplish anything and everything I need to do to make things go smoothly. I am a constant mess and things are not going well for me right now. Fortunately we have my husband’s mother in between the two locations we are looking at so that’s a big help.

As long as everything gets done I figure we will be just fine. It’s just a matter of getting started. Once I do that I can do it all. Unfortunately that’s the hardest part for me. That and prioritizing everything and dealing with the kids all at the same time. Don’t even get me started on the school stuff I will also have to deal with eventually. I guess I just need to buckle down and get started somewhere, anywhere. Really anywhere. But when I can’t see the whole picture I have a hard time figuring it all out. I am not good with puzzles. This is going to be a rough couple of months. I just pray that I figure it out eventually.

I am just going to write you a little poetry this time around. Here I go.

Everything looks familiar, like I have been here before. Yet I’ve been walking on this journey now but I still can’t find a door.

Surrounded by these walls and not a single day goes by, where I haven’t fallen to my knees to just break down and cry.

I scratch and kick the cement in search of a hidden passage way but to my own detriment I am stuck and have to stay.

Each day I awake and find I’m still inside this place, my mind begins to process the fear shown on my face.

It knows with each passing day that death is nearby and my mind begins to transmit to me that I am probably gonna die

Solutions to escape take a backseat to panic pain and defeat and the only thing left for me to do is welcome death’s sweet relief.

Unable to find a reason why I should bother looking anymore I close my eyes and beg for death to come sweep me off the floor.

And just as death comes close to taking me away I open up my eyes to find it’s another day.

No matter how much I beg for someone to set me free the only way out of here is to let go of what you see.

Fears are cement bricks and when they surround you they form a grave. If you choose to let them win there’s no way you can be saved.

But if you choose to let go of fear and allow yourself to feel then the next time you open up your eyes you’ll see it wasn’t real.

Only then can you escape from the prison in your mind and only then will you see the doors you’re meant to find.

Hope y’all enjoyed this, I love writing poetry it challenges me to feel my words in ways I don’t normally.

-Schizandgiggles

When I think about my life consistency is not a word I would ever use. However one word that is consistent in my life is change. I am consistently going through change and I don’t do change well. I am truly sorry to everyone internet and physical folks for anything I post over the next few months. I am about to go through some life altering moments that deal with my mental physical emotional and professional life and I don’t feel very confident in how things are going to play out and how I will respond to them.

I don’t know if I will be back to post soon but keep your eyes peeled and I’ll fill you in when Life stops trying to come crashing down all around me

Thanks for checking in!

Schiz and Giggles

First off let me say I’m sorry for not posting for a while. You see part of this disorder is mood disorder, mine being bipolar type 1 rapid cycling. This means I have manic phases and I have depressive phases and they interchange very quickly from one to another. That doesn’t mean the phases are short, however, my manic phases are usually much shorter than my depressive phases, it just means that basically if I not one then I am probably the other. I don’t really have an in-between or normal phase. Lately, I have been going through a very rough depressive phase and I have not been able to write anything. So I decided to try now to see if it helps me break out of this bottomless sea of depression somehow. So here goes nothing.

   I’ll tell you about the noise. The noises are hallucinations and paranoia mixed for me. Medication helps deal with the major outbursts that make me want to end my life sometimes but it doesn’t stop the backhanded comments or the chatter of a crowded room nor does it stop the paranoia from hearing someone behind a door or making sounds in a quiet room. This is why I say it’s never quiet and when the voices cease the noises fill the silence.

    I’m in a constant state of noise and confusion putting me in an anxiety ridden mental state at all times. Another thing that happens when I have all the noise filling my head is that I forget things. I forget entire conversations and sometimes entire days at a time. I forget things my kids ask about and then I cannot find them temporarily, or my husband will ask me to do something important and I will completely forget and it can mess with his career. As you can see the anxiety is rising in me right now just thinking about it.

     So obviously these things can have a profound affect on a person. Seeing as though I am a parent and a wife, I have duties to uphold and most of the time I feel as though I can’t hack it (more so than normal mothers). I also fear losing the memories of my marriage and my children growing up and them being replaced by false thoughts and bad depressive days. My manic days are causing problems because they have been known to cause me to spend thousands of dollars over the course of my illness thus far, which in return creates financial and marital strain.

    I can say one thing. I will probably never have more than an entry level job, and that’s on the chance I can handle the pressures of a job. I used to want to be something. Make my parents proud. I wanted to start from the bottom and become the best and say hey I did that on my own. Well now it’s not likely for me. Now I just want to not screw up my entire life and live through the worst days. I haven’t worked recently enough to qualify for disability and the last time I tried to get SSI we had too much money to qualify but not enough money to afford assistance for me at home. We are military and move around quite a bit so we aren’t really anywhere long enough for my paranoia to allow anyone new into my home anyways. 

So that’s the noise, voices saying I should go kill myself or simply pointing out how screwed up of a parent I am and how my kids will suffer because of me, or the guy on the other side of the door speaking but not loudly enough to hear what he’s saying, or to the doors slamming in my home but no one is awake except me, or simply the mumble of a crowed office or lounge where everyone’s speaking but no one really says a word, just noise The are the some of things schizoaffective disorder does to me. That’s just the tip of the illness iceburg.

-Schiz and Giggle

schizandgiggles.com@gmail.com

Most of the time I get asked why do I share so openly about my disorder. To answer that I simply say I need a reminders that my disorder is real. Also, I hope someone can see my ups and downs and it helps them to see that it’s not a life-ending sentence they’ve been handed. While difficult to deal with on a daily basis, I have found the right treatment plan, effective coping skills, strong faith, and the will to be my best possible self all diminish the worst aspects of what I go through.

I really try to remember the bible verse above James 1:3. When my faith is being tested, whether by hallucinations, delusions, paranoia or some other dilemma, I must wait for God to decide it’s time for it to pass, and I must pray for his help to get me through the episode. I say this verse because we often forget that we are not on our time frame but the plan that is already in motion is on God’s schedule, and therefore we must be patient.

You see I believe we all have a choice. Either we can sit around alone with our problems, or we can write, talk, video blog or whatever and possibly affect someone by saying what they might not be able too. We can give our problems a voice and show people they are not alone or the only one feeling a certain way. If we do this we can help slow down the suicide rate and fully affect real CHANGE! Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

All it takes is for people to sit around their electronics…..where we know they already are and just vent and show gratitude for the good things they have already. Reach out to a mental health forum if only to show sympathy and support. Heck pick a new group every week and spread the love, because we all know the world desperately needs more love and support in it.

This is the reason I choose to share my issue so openly because maybe, just maybe someone will choose not to become impatient with God’s plan and maybe they won’t proceed with their own plan to take their own life. It’s my choice and no one can stop me from trying.

Respectfully,

Schiz and Giggles

Thanks for stopping by to check out my blog!

“Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter.”— Izaak Walton

      Below are some pictures of me to show you a glimpse of what my husband sees everyday. It’s also a way for you to see the many faces I wear. Hope you find them entertaining or at least educational. 😬😂

I will be adding more pictures as I add to my blog posts.