Tag: delusions

What to expect when you’re not expecting

I have not been blogging much lately due to my depression, but I had a few things I wanted to say so I figured I would write a new post. You see there’s very few things that you can expect to happen when you are diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. You can expect mood swings and you can expect they will cycle when you least expect them to. I haven’t had a depressive episode this lengthy since undergoing ECT. I had a manic episode during our move brought on by stress but it subsided and I was pretty much stable.Then it happened I woke up and couldn’t function one morning. I couldn’t get out of bed. I just slept for 3 days basically. I knew what was happening and spoke to my doctor quickly about my symptoms and so began the process of trying to pull myself out of it.

I began taking my Zoloft and adjusted my medication and I have been mostly successful with fighting off the thoughts of self harm and voices that tell me I’m worthless. However there are some delusions and paranoia that have been creeping up again that scare me to death. You see my mood swings are easily dealt with but they tend to trigger other symptoms if I am not careful. I don’t expect to be cured of anything but you also sometimes don’t realize the symptoms of schizophrenia to creep up for no apparent reason. And if you aren’t careful and paying attention they can quickly spiral out of control into a psychotic break.

So what should you expect when you’re not expecting. Relapse and possibly hospitalization. Fortunately I was paying attention and have avoided my biggest fear, losing touch with reality. I wake up every day and give thanks for not being in that place for as long as I have. I know it’s not possible to completely be symptom free but at least I can hold onto my life with the steps I have learned over the years to avoid losing myself to my thoughts .

Just remember you can’t believe everything you think. And always be expecting the unexpected.

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Waiting for the call

So I have applied for a job that I got as far as I can tell. I applied to PetSmart as a groomer in training. Only thing is that I am waiting for my background check to come back and it seems to be taking longer than expected. I am getting anxiety waiting for the call to come back to tell me I can start working. I’m beginning to wonder if I just made it all up but I checked in with the store manager and they said they are still waiting for the checks to come in and they will call me when they get the results.

I know I don’t have anything incriminating on my reports but I just don’t understand what is taking so long. It’s got me building delusions of what could possibly be going on. Things like they found someone else better. Or maybe decided that I would be unable to do the job because of my illness.

I just really got excited about the idea of having a career and now I am filled with doubt. I would do anything to not have these thoughts and just be normal and patient but I’m not built this way.

I’ll keep you posted on the details of this journey as they progress. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and maybe I will be able to hold on until I hear back from the store. Until then medication is my first line of defense and I will just keep my fingers crossed for good news soon.

Thanks everyone, -Schizngiggles

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The demons I fight

So recently I have had kind of a backslide in my mental health. I began with mania which quickly became depression and turned into brief hallucinations. Luckily my doctor was prompt and increased my medication in order to combat the symptoms. Yesterday I saw demons in the trees and a hand reach out of my tv. The plus side is that I knew it wasn’t real. However throughout the whole day I had very dark poetry running through my mind but I decided I was not well enough to share it. Today is better my mind is cleared out of the depressive thoughts that were feeding my symptoms and keeping me from getting better. Today I actually got up and accomplished a small task around the house and I am so proud of myself for being able to push through. My husband has been here for me and I really think without his support this would have been a totally different outcome for me. I realize that I should have spoken to my doctor the moment I started becoming manic and maybe I could have cut out the rest of the symptoms before they occurred. I thought that the mania would just be mania and I would use the extra energy to get my family ready for the big move next week but boy was I wrong. This is my first relapse since I underwent ECT treatment and began on Loxapine for my symptoms. I have had a few hallucinations and a little overwhelming anxiety but nothing compared to what I have just been through. I really appreciate the success I have had with treatment because I really hated the depression and feelings of relapse I just went through. I almost forgot how crappy it is to feel that way. I’m just glad to have my wonderful husband doctor and family support system that has pulled me out of it so quickly. Next time I feel a little manic I will be sure to immediately talk to my doctor so we can cut it off at the beginning before I go through full on episodic relapse symptoms. I guess I have lots to learn still and I need to stay on top of my illness before it gets bad. Always alert always aware when I can’t do that I know it’s bad. Keep me in your thoughts as I go through this transition and please always remember your mental health issues are not temporary it’s a permanent issue and if you blink even for a second it will sneak into your life and become a a big problem. Good luck to all those fighting for mental health don’t ever give up.

Demons inside my mind
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Mistrust and doubt

Memories truth and dreams how do you decide

Darkness creeps in slowly and disguise the reality

But what is real only god knows for sure and we’re just here for the ride

Proof of what you remember no one can verify it.

It feels so real and so you fight with your mind

Mistrusting everything that makes up what we see

Doubting your thoughts of all reality

It’s enough to drive you crazy until you fall apart

Just accept that you have issues and you might get clarity.

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When your conditions help

So we are in the process of buying our new home in Savannah Georgia. We are in underwriting now and everything is moving so quickly. I have noticed that I am beginning to get a little manic but not in an uncontrollable way. I guess it is just the excitement that is triggering the extra energy. I think it’s a good thing because normally I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I have to do to make things happen on the tight schedule we are under. I basically have 2 weeks to get my entire life and my family organized and ready for the movers to come pack our apartment and then I’ll have a week and a half to clean and pass inspection in order to leave our apartment. I have to withdraw my kids from school and keep all important documents and paperwork separate so they don’t pack them with our household goods. Then I have to figure out how to get all the stuff we keep with us packed and moved to our new home all the while taking care of the dog and cat. It’s a lot of work but that’s ok because the mania is giving me the extra boost I need not to burnout to quickly. I just pray that it doesn’t get out of control and send me into paranoid delusions or hallucinations. As long as that doesn’t happen I can say for once my condition is helpful sometimes. I say that with cautious optimism. So keep me in your thoughts over the next month and I will do my best to keep you all posted on the process and hopefully everything will be ok. Oh one last thing I get to keep my doctor because my wonderful husband is going to drive 45 minutes to an hour each day so we can stay in Georgia rather than move to South Carolina where he will be working. I love him so much. He’s my hero. Not having to change doctors has made everything so much easier to handle. Okay I’ll end this post here and I hope you will follow me on this journey.

-Schiz N Giggles

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New beginnings

Okay so I’m at the starting point of our next move and I’m already beginning to get stressed out. Not only do we have to find a new home by no later than April but with all that aside there’s so much more I have to do that makes me anxious just thinking about it. I’m talking about the things you have to consider when you have a serious mental illness such as Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. Things like finding a new doctor. Now I know what you are probably thinking but for me that task is more daunting than it is for most normal people. I have lots of paranoia about doctors and I don’t trust very many people so the thought of learning to trust someone new right off the bat is very unnatural. I love the doctors I currently see and I really haven’t had great results until I found them. So trying to convince myself that I will find someone equally great is very difficult. I was living with paranoid delusions and horrible manic and depressive episodes for 10 years until I started working with my current doctors . I was completely out of touch with reality until they began treating me, and that is not something I want to go through again. The mere thought of trying to find a new doctor has me incapable of normal everyday function. I shut down completely because of the inability to accept the changes that are inevitably going to happen whether I want it to or not. I have so much to do to prepare for the physical move yet I’m paralyzed mentally because of my illness and having to work with a new doctor. It might sound crazy to most people but for me it’s very real. All I can do is try to get through this move and deal with everything else when I get to our new place but overcoming this fear is going to take everything I’ve got. Wish me luck!

Right now I can’t but hopefully soon I will
All I can do is trust, breathe.@writerdaisysunshine82

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If only

I wanna cuss and scream and let these feelings out, but they are rooted in so deeply that it keeps me filled with doubt.

I’m nowhere close to normal but you try to make it so with wishful selfish feelings that you force on me to grow.

I’m never going to be nor was I ever in the past this blissful little image that you try to make me grasp.

I was broken in the beginning the middle and the end and the pieces are too small for you to build what you pretend.

That’s just not what I was built for not for ribbons pearls and bows . No I was built for suffering life’s painful blistering blows.

I serve a single purpose to feel for those who bleed and to show them how survival is a possibility.

While my life is not glamorous and at times I wished for its end, I think of those more fragile and I begin to play pretend

I pretend it’s not that bad or that I am happy deep inside but sometimes the feelings are just more than I can hide.

So if everyone could forget about their expectations for my life and just be thankful I am still standing here despite my pain and strife

Because I push myself to try to be exactly what you want but it’s just not going to happen so I have to drop that front.

It’s those expectations that cut into my core each time I fail to reach them I don’t want to live anymore

They act as if they are nails being driven into my soul a sacrifice I’ll one day make to finally fill the hole.

Never will I disappoint or cause another love more shame, for when you have nothing to left to lose everyone else has much to gain.

Sorry so dark but some days are just dark

–schizandgiggles

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The Delusions.

We must not go it alone.

       I woke up and thought today’s a good day, only to find out it was just the start of a week long delusion. I received an email from my healthcare provider and I of course took to the website to check out what I was getting in regards to healthcare for the money we pay to have insurance. Once I see the odd company’s name listed with no provider shown I began to question things. I looked up the company and figured out what they do but somewhere in my reading, my schizoaffective kicked in and I was down the rabbit hole.

        Before I realized what was happening my paranoia made it’s presence know and by the end of the day I was convinced people were studying me and companies were tampering with my medication. I didn’t know what to do. I knew everyone would think I was crazy if I said anything, so I didn’t say anything. However hiding a delusion and constant paranoia is more difficult that it looks, and I was beginning to show in everything I did. That’s when I told my husband what my problem was and listened to how crazy the idea sounded. He was super supportive and understanding, reminding me that it was the schizoaffective talking and how things will get better if I just keep reminding myself of that.

        I took nearly a week and I still don’t totally disbelieve my scenario to be untrue, but I believe it enough to get through today without it tearing me down.  Sometimes I just have to remind myself in the grand scheme of things, I am just not that important, and I have nothing these companies need that they can’t get on their own using a paid research participants. It’s not a solution to my symptoms but it surely does alleviate some of the residual exhaustion the symptoms produce. For me that’s better than nothing.

-Schiz & Giggles

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