A glimpse of happiness

Finally feeling happiness and joy since my doctor added Zoloft to my medication regiment

I can feel the edges curve upwards on my cheeks.

A feeling at first not recognized for its not normal for me .

It’s been more than a decade since I’ve truly felt this way.

At first it scared me as mania and I’m not sure what to say.

But I realize I am not dreaming the feelings I felt inside.

For my smile is usually covering a different feeling I’m trying to hide.

I worry it won’t last long and will slowly slip away .

But unless I am just dreaming I’m feeling more than just ok.

For once I feel true joy and gratitude wells up in me.

Happiness fills my heart and soul and left a smile for all to see.

Even if it’s for a little while I am so thankful I have this time.

Without the darkness swallowing my soul and filling it with grime.

A simple unexpected smile has given me so much hope.

I don’t care what might happen or even if I look like a dope.

I will cherish the time forever no matter how long this feeling lasts.

Forgetting all my suffering from my illness in the past.

I will wake up each day and thank Heaven for the chance

To feel something normal inside even if it’s just a glance.

12/16/2019 0

If only

I wanna cuss and scream and let these feelings out, but they are rooted in so deeply that it keeps me filled with doubt.

I’m nowhere close to normal but you try to make it so with wishful selfish feelings that you force on me to grow.

I’m never going to be nor was I ever in the past this blissful little image that you try to make me grasp.

I was broken in the beginning the middle and the end and the pieces are too small for you to build what you pretend.

That’s just not what I was built for not for ribbons pearls and bows . No I was built for suffering life’s painful blistering blows.

I serve a single purpose to feel for those who bleed and to show them how survival is a possibility.

While my life is not glamorous and at times I wished for its end, I think of those more fragile and I begin to play pretend

I pretend it’s not that bad or that I am happy deep inside but sometimes the feelings are just more than I can hide.

So if everyone could forget about their expectations for my life and just be thankful I am still standing here despite my pain and strife

Because I push myself to try to be exactly what you want but it’s just not going to happen so I have to drop that front.

It’s those expectations that cut into my core each time I fail to reach them I don’t want to live anymore

They act as if they are nails being driven into my soul a sacrifice I’ll one day make to finally fill the hole.

Never will I disappoint or cause another love more shame, for when you have nothing to left to lose everyone else has much to gain.

Sorry so dark but some days are just dark

–schizandgiggles

12/16/2019 0

The pressure death

The new way of committing suicide I believe is to keep allowing life to add pressure when you know that you can’t handle anything else at the time. We have to prioritize our own state of wellbeing before we can continue to add issues and stress to our already overwhelmed bodies and minds.

Now I know things like to happen all at once but we have to respect the fact that relapse or worse is bound to happen if we don’t put some stuff down and deal only with what is absolutely essential. And sometimes that means going back into the hospital in order to just make it all stop and sort through the really important tasks until you have a clear view of things. We know the voices never really give good advice but sometimes it just seems like everything they are saying holds some merit in a weird sort of way.

So why is it so hard to ask for help? For me it was my daughter’s 10th birthday and her crying because she didn’t want mommy to go away. I didn’t go to the hospital. I should have gone nothing has really changed since last Wednesday night. I’m still under immense pressure between work home life, the kids and my husband there’s nothing I can just put to the side without backlash or major issues arising from doing so.

I don’t really know what I need to do now, but maybe I’ll figure it out before it actually kills me (mentally, emotionally, and otherwise). I am still entertaining the hospital avenue but I really hope something gives so that I don’t have to. I would like to think that if it’s truly the right place for me to survive then I’ll know and go without hesitation but if I fall into another delusions I might not be able to see the dire situation I’m in.

If you have a friend who’s always in the pressure cooker and seems a bit depressed or overwhelmed be sure to tell them that there is help for them all the time and you’d be happy to lend an ear if they need one.

Holding on to what I’ve got. Even if it kills me,

Schiz & Giggles

12/16/2019 4

Share

Like this:

Share

Like this:

Share

Like this: