The More things change

I just want to make things better for my family

But it’s seems like a circle that is spinning constantly

Happiness comes around and then it’s gone again

It’s impossible to hold onto long enough to call it a win

Somethings always changing and my mood is one for real

The smallest little things can happen and I don’t know how to deal

I wait for the happiness to come back around

While I struggle not to let it bring me too far down.

So I start to keep a smile plastered on my face

Until it’s been too long and I can’t find the strength to pace.

For now I’m getting better and the feeling lasts much longer

So I’ll call that a win because it’s made me so much stronger.

So while the feelings change, some things remain still

And that’s why we hold on to the good to prove that we’re not Ill.

Just keep in mind we make it by surviving each and every day.

And some days will be harder but it’s the game we have to play.

Take plenty of pictures of all the good times that you’ve had

It’s serves as a reminder that it not always so bad.

Keep smiling keep reminding yourself that it’s not always bad
In all that we do remember to do it with love

A glimpse of happiness

Finally feeling happiness and joy since my doctor added Zoloft to my medication regiment

I can feel the edges curve upwards on my cheeks.

A feeling at first not recognized for its not normal for me .

It’s been more than a decade since I’ve truly felt this way.

At first it scared me as mania and I’m not sure what to say.

But I realize I am not dreaming the feelings I felt inside.

For my smile is usually covering a different feeling I’m trying to hide.

I worry it won’t last long and will slowly slip away .

But unless I am just dreaming I’m feeling more than just ok.

For once I feel true joy and gratitude wells up in me.

Happiness fills my heart and soul and left a smile for all to see.

Even if it’s for a little while I am so thankful I have this time.

Without the darkness swallowing my soul and filling it with grime.

A simple unexpected smile has given me so much hope.

I don’t care what might happen or even if I look like a dope.

I will cherish the time forever no matter how long this feeling lasts.

Forgetting all my suffering from my illness in the past.

I will wake up each day and thank Heaven for the chance

To feel something normal inside even if it’s just a glance.

Starting in new places

So I’m getting all moved into my new home and all I can say is it’s amazing here. I love my new house and my husband has made the whole process as easy for me as possible. Everything has turned out really well. For the most part I’m over my manic stage and have not sunk into depression because my doctor adjusted my meds. Which believe me is a huge deal. I almost always get depressed after a manic stage.

Everything seems so calm here and I’m really excited to start a new life here in Savannah. I can’t wait to see what is ahead for me and my family. I’ll keep you posted on the new experiences I have very soon. Sorry I haven’t posted it has been kinda crazy around here unpacking everything.

-Schiz N Giggles

Reflection of depression

They say that the eyes are the window to the soul

My depression is apparently the picture in whole

Downward spiral of the depths I keep inside

But as you can see it’s not something I can hide

No way to get control over the feelings I deny

So I fight with my all strength because you always have to try.

Soon it will be over and you’ll be better once again

Until that day comes just try to keep it in.

Don’t let it take you under or you might not see the light

Always remembering that to win you have to fight.

Put your feelings out there so that others too may see

And remember that it’s okay it’s just what is meant to be.

-Schiz N Giggles

Mistrust and doubt

Memories truth and dreams how do you decide

Darkness creeps in slowly and disguise the reality

But what is real only god knows for sure and we’re just here for the ride

Proof of what you remember no one can verify it.

It feels so real and so you fight with your mind

Mistrusting everything that makes up what we see

Doubting your thoughts of all reality

It’s enough to drive you crazy until you fall apart

Just accept that you have issues and you might get clarity.

Since you’ve been gone

Since you’ve been gone a lot has changed here. We all have missed you in the past year.

The smile on your face and the light in your eye has yet to fade since you died.

We gathered together and mourned what we lost, but we know you’re happier and it’s worth the cost.

I know that you are watching us from grandma’s side, something you wanted for a long time.

To be together with her and once again see her face and for us to know your in a better place

Although I know these things that I’ve said are true, it’s still very lonely here without you.

Grandpa I miss you too much to express, so I wrote you this poem so I could confess.

I have yet had a day when I didn’t wish you were here, but I do know that one day you will be near.

To hold me in your arms and make me smile and make everything seem worthwhile.

So for now I must go but I hope you will see all of your love I carry with me.

Dedicated to my loving grandfather Pete I miss you every day and I know you are watching over me. So thanks for all the memories and I hope I can make you proud. Tell Dot I love her too.

My youngest and my Pete

I know it’s been quite some time since I last wrote anything but, I have gone through quite a bit of growth and progress. I feel like I am in a better place now to share my journey thus far.

What’s Happened Thus Far

So over the last year or two I have undergone extreme intensive electro convulsive therapy better known as ECT treatment and have found it to be a game changer in the progress of my treatment. It’s not perfect but the good definitely outweighs the bad when it comes down to it. I would definitely say try it if you have little to no success in your treatment with prescriptions alone. After a year went by my memory is recovering almost completely and I have found Loxapine to be very successful at long term treatment of my Schizoaffective and bipolar symptoms. After a several months I was able to get a job working with dogs at a doggy daycare as a front desk receptionist where I received kisses and loves from the puppies on a daily basis, which obviously helped my depression. The job was good but I began to slip up and needed to focus on keeping my mental health intact so I had to leave my position. I have not gone back out to look for another job yet because my family is once again being relocated by the army for my husband’s career. This should be our last relocation before he retires! I’m looking forward to starting in a new home with a fresh start but I’m a little bit anxious about finding new doctors who understand my issues. I’m also looking forward to finding a new job or career path to follow and I hope I find something I can do successfully for the long run. My family is my everything and I will miss being so far away from them but I know my husband and children and I will make plenty of time to get back to visit throughout the years. Who knows what great things are ahead for all of us. No matter what life may bring at least we are doing it together. That’s a huge step forward from where I have been.

I will be sure to keep you all posted on the ups and downs of the move and the success and failures of my illness. I just hope that it shows just one person that there’s always hope.

Remember this when it feels like too much.

Find out who you are on the inside behind the diagnosis

Lisa Kearney

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