Tag: mental illness

What to expect when you’re not expecting

I have not been blogging much lately due to my depression, but I had a few things I wanted to say so I figured I would write a new post. You see there’s very few things that you can expect to happen when you are diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. You can expect mood swings and you can expect they will cycle when you least expect them to. I haven’t had a depressive episode this lengthy since undergoing ECT. I had a manic episode during our move brought on by stress but it subsided and I was pretty much stable.Then it happened I woke up and couldn’t function one morning. I couldn’t get out of bed. I just slept for 3 days basically. I knew what was happening and spoke to my doctor quickly about my symptoms and so began the process of trying to pull myself out of it.

I began taking my Zoloft and adjusted my medication and I have been mostly successful with fighting off the thoughts of self harm and voices that tell me I’m worthless. However there are some delusions and paranoia that have been creeping up again that scare me to death. You see my mood swings are easily dealt with but they tend to trigger other symptoms if I am not careful. I don’t expect to be cured of anything but you also sometimes don’t realize the symptoms of schizophrenia to creep up for no apparent reason. And if you aren’t careful and paying attention they can quickly spiral out of control into a psychotic break.

So what should you expect when you’re not expecting. Relapse and possibly hospitalization. Fortunately I was paying attention and have avoided my biggest fear, losing touch with reality. I wake up every day and give thanks for not being in that place for as long as I have. I know it’s not possible to completely be symptom free but at least I can hold onto my life with the steps I have learned over the years to avoid losing myself to my thoughts .

Just remember you can’t believe everything you think. And always be expecting the unexpected.

6

The More things change

I just want to make things better for my family

But it’s seems like a circle that is spinning constantly

Happiness comes around and then it’s gone again

It’s impossible to hold onto long enough to call it a win

Somethings always changing and my mood is one for real

The smallest little things can happen and I don’t know how to deal

I wait for the happiness to come back around

While I struggle not to let it bring me too far down.

So I start to keep a smile plastered on my face

Until it’s been too long and I can’t find the strength to pace.

For now I’m getting better and the feeling lasts much longer

So I’ll call that a win because it’s made me so much stronger.

So while the feelings change, some things remain still

And that’s why we hold on to the good to prove that we’re not Ill.

Just keep in mind we make it by surviving each and every day.

And some days will be harder but it’s the game we have to play.

Take plenty of pictures of all the good times that you’ve had

It’s serves as a reminder that it not always so bad.

Keep smiling keep reminding yourself that it’s not always bad
In all that we do remember to do it with love
0

The demons I fight

So recently I have had kind of a backslide in my mental health. I began with mania which quickly became depression and turned into brief hallucinations. Luckily my doctor was prompt and increased my medication in order to combat the symptoms. Yesterday I saw demons in the trees and a hand reach out of my tv. The plus side is that I knew it wasn’t real. However throughout the whole day I had very dark poetry running through my mind but I decided I was not well enough to share it. Today is better my mind is cleared out of the depressive thoughts that were feeding my symptoms and keeping me from getting better. Today I actually got up and accomplished a small task around the house and I am so proud of myself for being able to push through. My husband has been here for me and I really think without his support this would have been a totally different outcome for me. I realize that I should have spoken to my doctor the moment I started becoming manic and maybe I could have cut out the rest of the symptoms before they occurred. I thought that the mania would just be mania and I would use the extra energy to get my family ready for the big move next week but boy was I wrong. This is my first relapse since I underwent ECT treatment and began on Loxapine for my symptoms. I have had a few hallucinations and a little overwhelming anxiety but nothing compared to what I have just been through. I really appreciate the success I have had with treatment because I really hated the depression and feelings of relapse I just went through. I almost forgot how crappy it is to feel that way. I’m just glad to have my wonderful husband doctor and family support system that has pulled me out of it so quickly. Next time I feel a little manic I will be sure to immediately talk to my doctor so we can cut it off at the beginning before I go through full on episodic relapse symptoms. I guess I have lots to learn still and I need to stay on top of my illness before it gets bad. Always alert always aware when I can’t do that I know it’s bad. Keep me in your thoughts as I go through this transition and please always remember your mental health issues are not temporary it’s a permanent issue and if you blink even for a second it will sneak into your life and become a a big problem. Good luck to all those fighting for mental health don’t ever give up.

Demons inside my mind
0

Cognitive decline

I remember very vividly when I was 10 years old.

How I could write a story that sounded like I was old.

The words would flow right through me I wouldn’t have to think

But since my first episode all that’s begun to shrink.

It takes me too long to understand just what I read.

I go over every sentence till my brain begins to bleed.

Finding how to manage the losses that I endured

Seems might take forever for me to be reassured.

I can’t remember years of my life or family

I struggle to recognize some of the faces that I see.

I don’t know how to process information or social clues

All that is really hard because it’s something I could use

To fit in with society and act accordingly ,

Without them noticing that I’m different because what happens inside me.

my mind is just the beginning of what’s moving down the line

It’s what the doctor referred to as Cognitive decline.

-Schiz N Giggles

Don’t worry I am fine
0

Mistrust and doubt

Memories truth and dreams how do you decide

Darkness creeps in slowly and disguise the reality

But what is real only god knows for sure and we’re just here for the ride

Proof of what you remember no one can verify it.

It feels so real and so you fight with your mind

Mistrusting everything that makes up what we see

Doubting your thoughts of all reality

It’s enough to drive you crazy until you fall apart

Just accept that you have issues and you might get clarity.

0

New beginnings

Okay so I’m at the starting point of our next move and I’m already beginning to get stressed out. Not only do we have to find a new home by no later than April but with all that aside there’s so much more I have to do that makes me anxious just thinking about it. I’m talking about the things you have to consider when you have a serious mental illness such as Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. Things like finding a new doctor. Now I know what you are probably thinking but for me that task is more daunting than it is for most normal people. I have lots of paranoia about doctors and I don’t trust very many people so the thought of learning to trust someone new right off the bat is very unnatural. I love the doctors I currently see and I really haven’t had great results until I found them. So trying to convince myself that I will find someone equally great is very difficult. I was living with paranoid delusions and horrible manic and depressive episodes for 10 years until I started working with my current doctors . I was completely out of touch with reality until they began treating me, and that is not something I want to go through again. The mere thought of trying to find a new doctor has me incapable of normal everyday function. I shut down completely because of the inability to accept the changes that are inevitably going to happen whether I want it to or not. I have so much to do to prepare for the physical move yet I’m paralyzed mentally because of my illness and having to work with a new doctor. It might sound crazy to most people but for me it’s very real. All I can do is try to get through this move and deal with everything else when I get to our new place but overcoming this fear is going to take everything I’ve got. Wish me luck!

Right now I can’t but hopefully soon I will
All I can do is trust, breathe.@writerdaisysunshine82

2

I know it’s been quite some time since I last wrote anything but, I have gone through quite a bit of growth and progress. I feel like I am in a better place now to share my journey thus far.

What’s Happened Thus Far

So over the last year or two I have undergone extreme intensive electro convulsive therapy better known as ECT treatment and have found it to be a game changer in the progress of my treatment. It’s not perfect but the good definitely outweighs the bad when it comes down to it. I would definitely say try it if you have little to no success in your treatment with prescriptions alone. After a year went by my memory is recovering almost completely and I have found Loxapine to be very successful at long term treatment of my Schizoaffective and bipolar symptoms. After a several months I was able to get a job working with dogs at a doggy daycare as a front desk receptionist where I received kisses and loves from the puppies on a daily basis, which obviously helped my depression. The job was good but I began to slip up and needed to focus on keeping my mental health intact so I had to leave my position. I have not gone back out to look for another job yet because my family is once again being relocated by the army for my husband’s career. This should be our last relocation before he retires! I’m looking forward to starting in a new home with a fresh start but I’m a little bit anxious about finding new doctors who understand my issues. I’m also looking forward to finding a new job or career path to follow and I hope I find something I can do successfully for the long run. My family is my everything and I will miss being so far away from them but I know my husband and children and I will make plenty of time to get back to visit throughout the years. Who knows what great things are ahead for all of us. No matter what life may bring at least we are doing it together. That’s a huge step forward from where I have been.

I will be sure to keep you all posted on the ups and downs of the move and the success and failures of my illness. I just hope that it shows just one person that there’s always hope.

Remember this when it feels like too much.

Find out who you are on the inside behind the diagnosis

Lisa Kearney
1

If only

I wanna cuss and scream and let these feelings out, but they are rooted in so deeply that it keeps me filled with doubt.

I’m nowhere close to normal but you try to make it so with wishful selfish feelings that you force on me to grow.

I’m never going to be nor was I ever in the past this blissful little image that you try to make me grasp.

I was broken in the beginning the middle and the end and the pieces are too small for you to build what you pretend.

That’s just not what I was built for not for ribbons pearls and bows . No I was built for suffering life’s painful blistering blows.

I serve a single purpose to feel for those who bleed and to show them how survival is a possibility.

While my life is not glamorous and at times I wished for its end, I think of those more fragile and I begin to play pretend

I pretend it’s not that bad or that I am happy deep inside but sometimes the feelings are just more than I can hide.

So if everyone could forget about their expectations for my life and just be thankful I am still standing here despite my pain and strife

Because I push myself to try to be exactly what you want but it’s just not going to happen so I have to drop that front.

It’s those expectations that cut into my core each time I fail to reach them I don’t want to live anymore

They act as if they are nails being driven into my soul a sacrifice I’ll one day make to finally fill the hole.

Never will I disappoint or cause another love more shame, for when you have nothing to left to lose everyone else has much to gain.

Sorry so dark but some days are just dark

–schizandgiggles

0

The pressure death

The new way of committing suicide I believe is to keep allowing life to add pressure when you know that you can’t handle anything else at the time. We have to prioritize our own state of wellbeing before we can continue to add issues and stress to our already overwhelmed bodies and minds.

Now I know things like to happen all at once but we have to respect the fact that relapse or worse is bound to happen if we don’t put some stuff down and deal only with what is absolutely essential. And sometimes that means going back into the hospital in order to just make it all stop and sort through the really important tasks until you have a clear view of things. We know the voices never really give good advice but sometimes it just seems like everything they are saying holds some merit in a weird sort of way.

So why is it so hard to ask for help? For me it was my daughter’s 10th birthday and her crying because she didn’t want mommy to go away. I didn’t go to the hospital. I should have gone nothing has really changed since last Wednesday night. I’m still under immense pressure between work home life, the kids and my husband there’s nothing I can just put to the side without backlash or major issues arising from doing so.

I don’t really know what I need to do now, but maybe I’ll figure it out before it actually kills me (mentally, emotionally, and otherwise). I am still entertaining the hospital avenue but I really hope something gives so that I don’t have to. I would like to think that if it’s truly the right place for me to survive then I’ll know and go without hesitation but if I fall into another delusions I might not be able to see the dire situation I’m in.

If you have a friend who’s always in the pressure cooker and seems a bit depressed or overwhelmed be sure to tell them that there is help for them all the time and you’d be happy to lend an ear if they need one.

Holding on to what I’ve got. Even if it kills me,

Schiz & Giggles

4

What Helps Me?

A long time without knowing

Acceptance and Patience.


I was formally diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder in March of 2011. However that is not when things started to get better. For starters, my schizoaffective disorder is essentially a mix of schizophrenic symptoms and bipolar symptoms. In my case it was paranoia and delusions, mixed with bipolar depression and manic symptoms that were rapid cycling. Meaning my mood went from crying over everything to feeling like I could be the President of the United States and solve the world’s problems all within a period of a week to a month. The paranoia and delusions however would last for months to a year or more.

In 2011 I was so delusional I didn’t believe my diagnosis was real. I believed that I had discovered some hidden information and that my doctor and my husband were just trying to convince me it wasn’t real in order to keep the secrets hidden. I refused to accept that I was schizoaffective. So my condition while seemingly began to improve was actually getting worse because I wasn’t receiving treatment. What happened was that I had snapped out of one delusion and my symptoms became dormant, but that just convinced me I didn’t have a problem. The next time it would appear was a lot worse, voices, hallucinations, delusions. At that time I even believed I was talking directly to God himself via my email inbox and junk mail folders on the computer. I believed the headers and file names were in a specific order and the pattern was the message from God.

I heard voices warning me about terrible things that were going to happen what I should do to escape these terrible events. At one point I even left the house believing the pizza delivery guy was coming to kill me or kidnap me and take me somewhere they could cut my head open and experiment on my brain. Then my mother came to visit. As we were driving down the road back to the house from the airport I began to tell her about the emails being from God and the Pizza guy trying to kill or kidnap me and I remember the look on her face being very confused. No matter how much she tried not to look shocked or sad I could tell what I was saying was very off the wall and probably not very possible and I knew what the doctors had said in 2011 was exactly what I was going through at that point. There was no more denying the diagnosis anymore.

What ended up helping me the most was being able to hear myself say what was happening and have understanding however untrue the understanding was from my loved ones. While they didn’t truly understand me because what I was saying was, forgive me for lack of a better word crazy, it was real. They did their best to just listen and show compassion when I felt trapped and scared. Scared to sound crazy, and trapped by my delusions but not judged by the ones who meant the most to me was the true way I was able to begin the healing process. I didn’t accept my diagnosis because I was afraid I would lose my ability as a person to have a perspective on anything. Or that I would lose my children or my husband because of my diagnosis. Those things still scare me to death but they are things I have accepted as possible outcomes should I chose to forget what cards I have been dealt and not continue my treatment. Those are the things that helped me the most.

0

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: