Moving towards a new horizon

Let me start by apologizing for not posting anything in a little while. This move has had my Schizoaffective symptoms in high gear and honestly that is probably when I should be posting more but I was unable to organize my thoughts and feelings into coherent statements that would have helped anyone. So for that I apologize. However through the manic mood swings and, mild delusions set off by a never ending spiral of thoughts and feelings I have gotten to a place where I can finally tell you that I am accepting all of the changes in my future. I am welcoming all of this with cautious optimism, and a slight sense of happiness for what I am about to experience.

I have spent the last decade or more of my life trying to figure out what is real and what is just my diagnosis appearing as reality. In those years I have been unsuccessful in my struggle for happiness or even the slightest bit of normalcy. Since I started treatment in 2018 with my new doctors and had my entire family to support me in treatment I have not only found happiness and true reality but I’m creating memories that for the first time in a long time I can’t wait to remember when I as I get older. I just wanted to check in with you all and let you know I am still here and still fighting for my sanity everyday because we’ll it’s worth the fight to feel whole again. I’ll be checking back again soon and will keep you posted on the progress of our move. PS We close on our new home February 28th 2022.If all goes well I’ll have another post coming up to tell you all about the new place and the area of Savannah Georgia.

Keep fighting I promise it’s worth it

– Schiz N Giggles

I can be found on Twitter@schizngiggles Facebook Page Schizngiggles and on instagram @lisassessionskearney or@schizngiggles or email me at justanotherpancake@google.com I’d love some feedback or even questions or cheerleading if you have the time so feel free to reach out and get in touch with me sometime

12/16/2019 0

Reflection of depression

They say that the eyes are the window to the soul

My depression is apparently the picture in whole

Downward spiral of the depths I keep inside

But as you can see it’s not something I can hide

No way to get control over the feelings I deny

So I fight with my all strength because you always have to try.

Soon it will be over and you’ll be better once again

Until that day comes just try to keep it in.

Don’t let it take you under or you might not see the light

Always remembering that to win you have to fight.

Put your feelings out there so that others too may see

And remember that it’s okay it’s just what is meant to be.

-Schiz N Giggles

12/16/2019 0

Cognitive decline

I remember very vividly when I was 10 years old.

How I could write a story that sounded like I was old.

The words would flow right through me I wouldn’t have to think

But since my first episode all that’s begun to shrink.

It takes me too long to understand just what I read.

I go over every sentence till my brain begins to bleed.

Finding how to manage the losses that I endured

Seems might take forever for me to be reassured.

I can’t remember years of my life or family

I struggle to recognize some of the faces that I see.

I don’t know how to process information or social clues

All that is really hard because it’s something I could use

To fit in with society and act accordingly ,

Without them noticing that I’m different because what happens inside me.

my mind is just the beginning of what’s moving down the line

It’s what the doctor referred to as Cognitive decline.

-Schiz N Giggles

12/16/2019 0

When your conditions help

So we are in the process of buying our new home in Savannah Georgia. We are in underwriting now and everything is moving so quickly. I have noticed that I am beginning to get a little manic but not in an uncontrollable way. I guess it is just the excitement that is triggering the extra energy. I think it’s a good thing because normally I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I have to do to make things happen on the tight schedule we are under. I basically have 2 weeks to get my entire life and my family organized and ready for the movers to come pack our apartment and then I’ll have a week and a half to clean and pass inspection in order to leave our apartment. I have to withdraw my kids from school and keep all important documents and paperwork separate so they don’t pack them with our household goods. Then I have to figure out how to get all the stuff we keep with us packed and moved to our new home all the while taking care of the dog and cat. It’s a lot of work but that’s ok because the mania is giving me the extra boost I need not to burnout to quickly. I just pray that it doesn’t get out of control and send me into paranoid delusions or hallucinations. As long as that doesn’t happen I can say for once my condition is helpful sometimes. I say that with cautious optimism. So keep me in your thoughts over the next month and I will do my best to keep you all posted on the process and hopefully everything will be ok. Oh one last thing I get to keep my doctor because my wonderful husband is going to drive 45 minutes to an hour each day so we can stay in Georgia rather than move to South Carolina where he will be working. I love him so much. He’s my hero. Not having to change doctors has made everything so much easier to handle. Okay I’ll end this post here and I hope you will follow me on this journey.

-Schiz N Giggles

12/16/2019 0

New beginnings

Okay so I’m at the starting point of our next move and I’m already beginning to get stressed out. Not only do we have to find a new home by no later than April but with all that aside there’s so much more I have to do that makes me anxious just thinking about it. I’m talking about the things you have to consider when you have a serious mental illness such as Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. Things like finding a new doctor. Now I know what you are probably thinking but for me that task is more daunting than it is for most normal people. I have lots of paranoia about doctors and I don’t trust very many people so the thought of learning to trust someone new right off the bat is very unnatural. I love the doctors I currently see and I really haven’t had great results until I found them. So trying to convince myself that I will find someone equally great is very difficult. I was living with paranoid delusions and horrible manic and depressive episodes for 10 years until I started working with my current doctors . I was completely out of touch with reality until they began treating me, and that is not something I want to go through again. The mere thought of trying to find a new doctor has me incapable of normal everyday function. I shut down completely because of the inability to accept the changes that are inevitably going to happen whether I want it to or not. I have so much to do to prepare for the physical move yet I’m paralyzed mentally because of my illness and having to work with a new doctor. It might sound crazy to most people but for me it’s very real. All I can do is try to get through this move and deal with everything else when I get to our new place but overcoming this fear is going to take everything I’ve got. Wish me luck!