Okay so I’m at the starting point of our next move and I’m already beginning to get stressed out. Not only do we have to find a new home by no later than April but with all that aside there’s so much more I have to do that makes me anxious just thinking about it. I’m talking about the things you have to consider when you have a serious mental illness such as Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. Things like finding a new doctor. Now I know what you are probably thinking but for me that task is more daunting than it is for most normal people. I have lots of paranoia about doctors and I don’t trust very many people so the thought of learning to trust someone new right off the bat is very unnatural. I love the doctors I currently see and I really haven’t had great results until I found them. So trying to convince myself that I will find someone equally great is very difficult. I was living with paranoid delusions and horrible manic and depressive episodes for 10 years until I started working with my current doctors . I was completely out of touch with reality until they began treating me, and that is not something I want to go through again. The mere thought of trying to find a new doctor has me incapable of normal everyday function. I shut down completely because of the inability to accept the changes that are inevitably going to happen whether I want it to or not. I have so much to do to prepare for the physical move yet I’m paralyzed mentally because of my illness and having to work with a new doctor. It might sound crazy to most people but for me it’s very real. All I can do is try to get through this move and deal with everything else when I get to our new place but overcoming this fear is going to take everything I’ve got. Wish me luck!
I wanna cuss and scream and let these feelings out, but they are rooted in so deeply that it keeps me filled with doubt.
I’m nowhere close to normal but you try to make it so with wishful selfish feelings that you force on me to grow.
I’m never going to be nor was I ever in the past this blissful little image that you try to make me grasp.
I was broken in the beginning the middle and the end and the pieces are too small for you to build what you pretend.
That’s just not what I was built for not for ribbons pearls and bows . No I was built for suffering life’s painful blistering blows.
I serve a single purpose to feel for those who bleed and to show them how survival is a possibility.
While my life is not glamorous and at times I wished for its end, I think of those more fragile and I begin to play pretend
I pretend it’s not that bad or that I am happy deep inside but sometimes the feelings are just more than I can hide.
So if everyone could forget about their expectations for my life and just be thankful I am still standing here despite my pain and strife
Because I push myself to try to be exactly what you want but it’s just not going to happen so I have to drop that front.
It’s those expectations that cut into my core each time I fail to reach them I don’t want to live anymore
They act as if they are nails being driven into my soul a sacrifice I’ll one day make to finally fill the hole.
Never will I disappoint or cause another love more shame, for when you have nothing to left to lose everyone else has much to gain.
Sorry so dark but some days are just dark
When you have nowhere else to go
I have a friend whom I am in a support group with who is in a constant state of panic and anxiety. She’s out of herskin trying to stay calm and not do anything stupid or rash or “CRAZY”… but unfortunately it is a difficult life altering decision she is facing and her options are bleak to say the least.
She said “I am always inside my head going back and forth as to whether I’m just overly relating signs of abuse in my marriage because I’m feeling insecure or if it’s blaring itself in my face and once again I’m in denial and making excuses for bad behavior”. “I feel like I’m having to make a decision based on facts that have been tampered with by both sides. “I’m not saying my husband is this off the wall emotionally and verbally abuse mean man but I don’t think he realizes how his words affect me psychologically nor do I feel he cares and I am stuck sitting here trying to figure out if he is right or if he’s just an ass.”.
“I don’t know what came first in my path to schizoaffective disorder, the constant devaluation of my feelings and emotions and the being told I was just delusional and/or crazy/paranoid or something more terrible like manipulation or gaslighting”.
“I have read just about everything I can get my hands on and my conclusion is that I am not happy with that way things have been for a long time but I have always had a bit of hope but lately that hope seems to be a beacon for major changes in order for it to bring forth clarity and relief. ”
“I know through body language actions past and present and the way he speaks to me that our relationship is past the point of no return, but I struggle with the idea that I might throw away the chance to make sure it’s not just my perception or illness by rushing to get free. Right now I don’t eat sleep or have a non panicked thought pattern in days and all I really want is for everything to stop. I just want out and to focus on the things in life I used to love and rebuild the fearless risk taking no one can control me personality I once owned proudly. ”
“Roughly about 12-15 years have passed since I could even remember who that girl was and it’s been what feels like a lifetime of berating, devaluing, controlling phrases and actions that have kept her from reappearing now. I have convinced myself she would make everything worse for so long that I believed all the things he said to me and about my disability just to avoid having to fight to keep him from making me wish for death anymore that day.”
“I know it’s not right to believe the things he’s said but I truly feel worthless, crazy, unfit as a parent and like I will never be good enough and never make him happy. I’m beginning to understand why everything goes so much smoother when I am away from everyone. Because he is right. I’m the problem and I create issues that don’t exist. I don’t know how to make a decision on my own anymore but I’m sure one will get made and I’ll probably be the one that gets screwed out of happiness again. But I just hope a decision and a plan is put into action soon because I have no fight left and I’m beyond the ability to consider how everyone would be so sad if I died because right now I’m already dead I just experiencing the muscle spasms that follow death. I’m at the I don’t care about anything else right now except making it all stop stage. ”
Well that’s my friends story and I hope this sheds some light on the difficulties of not being able to trust reality and your own mind in day to day life.