Tag: true story

A glimpse of happiness

Finally feeling happiness and joy since my doctor added Zoloft to my medication regiment

I can feel the edges curve upwards on my cheeks.

A feeling at first not recognized for its not normal for me .

It’s been more than a decade since I’ve truly felt this way.

At first it scared me as mania and I’m not sure what to say.

But I realize I am not dreaming the feelings I felt inside.

For my smile is usually covering a different feeling I’m trying to hide.

I worry it won’t last long and will slowly slip away .

But unless I am just dreaming I’m feeling more than just ok.

For once I feel true joy and gratitude wells up in me.

Happiness fills my heart and soul and left a smile for all to see.

Even if it’s for a little while I am so thankful I have this time.

Without the darkness swallowing my soul and filling it with grime.

A simple unexpected smile has given me so much hope.

I don’t care what might happen or even if I look like a dope.

I will cherish the time forever no matter how long this feeling lasts.

Forgetting all my suffering from my illness in the past.

I will wake up each day and thank Heaven for the chance

To feel something normal inside even if it’s just a glance.

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Waiting for the call

So I have applied for a job that I got as far as I can tell. I applied to PetSmart as a groomer in training. Only thing is that I am waiting for my background check to come back and it seems to be taking longer than expected. I am getting anxiety waiting for the call to come back to tell me I can start working. I’m beginning to wonder if I just made it all up but I checked in with the store manager and they said they are still waiting for the checks to come in and they will call me when they get the results.

I know I don’t have anything incriminating on my reports but I just don’t understand what is taking so long. It’s got me building delusions of what could possibly be going on. Things like they found someone else better. Or maybe decided that I would be unable to do the job because of my illness.

I just really got excited about the idea of having a career and now I am filled with doubt. I would do anything to not have these thoughts and just be normal and patient but I’m not built this way.

I’ll keep you posted on the details of this journey as they progress. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and maybe I will be able to hold on until I hear back from the store. Until then medication is my first line of defense and I will just keep my fingers crossed for good news soon.

Thanks everyone, -Schizngiggles

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Starting in new places

So I’m getting all moved into my new home and all I can say is it’s amazing here. I love my new house and my husband has made the whole process as easy for me as possible. Everything has turned out really well. For the most part I’m over my manic stage and have not sunk into depression because my doctor adjusted my meds. Which believe me is a huge deal. I almost always get depressed after a manic stage.

Everything seems so calm here and I’m really excited to start a new life here in Savannah. I can’t wait to see what is ahead for me and my family. I’ll keep you posted on the new experiences I have very soon. Sorry I haven’t posted it has been kinda crazy around here unpacking everything.

-Schiz N Giggles
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The demons I fight

So recently I have had kind of a backslide in my mental health. I began with mania which quickly became depression and turned into brief hallucinations. Luckily my doctor was prompt and increased my medication in order to combat the symptoms. Yesterday I saw demons in the trees and a hand reach out of my tv. The plus side is that I knew it wasn’t real. However throughout the whole day I had very dark poetry running through my mind but I decided I was not well enough to share it. Today is better my mind is cleared out of the depressive thoughts that were feeding my symptoms and keeping me from getting better. Today I actually got up and accomplished a small task around the house and I am so proud of myself for being able to push through. My husband has been here for me and I really think without his support this would have been a totally different outcome for me. I realize that I should have spoken to my doctor the moment I started becoming manic and maybe I could have cut out the rest of the symptoms before they occurred. I thought that the mania would just be mania and I would use the extra energy to get my family ready for the big move next week but boy was I wrong. This is my first relapse since I underwent ECT treatment and began on Loxapine for my symptoms. I have had a few hallucinations and a little overwhelming anxiety but nothing compared to what I have just been through. I really appreciate the success I have had with treatment because I really hated the depression and feelings of relapse I just went through. I almost forgot how crappy it is to feel that way. I’m just glad to have my wonderful husband doctor and family support system that has pulled me out of it so quickly. Next time I feel a little manic I will be sure to immediately talk to my doctor so we can cut it off at the beginning before I go through full on episodic relapse symptoms. I guess I have lots to learn still and I need to stay on top of my illness before it gets bad. Always alert always aware when I can’t do that I know it’s bad. Keep me in your thoughts as I go through this transition and please always remember your mental health issues are not temporary it’s a permanent issue and if you blink even for a second it will sneak into your life and become a a big problem. Good luck to all those fighting for mental health don’t ever give up.

Demons inside my mind
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Reflection of depression

They say that the eyes are the window to the soul

My depression is apparently the picture in whole

Downward spiral of the depths I keep inside

But as you can see it’s not something I can hide

No way to get control over the feelings I deny

So I fight with my all strength because you always have to try.

Soon it will be over and you’ll be better once again

Until that day comes just try to keep it in.

Don’t let it take you under or you might not see the light

Always remembering that to win you have to fight.

Put your feelings out there so that others too may see

And remember that it’s okay it’s just what is meant to be.

-Schiz N Giggles

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Mistrust and doubt

Memories truth and dreams how do you decide

Darkness creeps in slowly and disguise the reality

But what is real only god knows for sure and we’re just here for the ride

Proof of what you remember no one can verify it.

It feels so real and so you fight with your mind

Mistrusting everything that makes up what we see

Doubting your thoughts of all reality

It’s enough to drive you crazy until you fall apart

Just accept that you have issues and you might get clarity.

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When your conditions help

So we are in the process of buying our new home in Savannah Georgia. We are in underwriting now and everything is moving so quickly. I have noticed that I am beginning to get a little manic but not in an uncontrollable way. I guess it is just the excitement that is triggering the extra energy. I think it’s a good thing because normally I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I have to do to make things happen on the tight schedule we are under. I basically have 2 weeks to get my entire life and my family organized and ready for the movers to come pack our apartment and then I’ll have a week and a half to clean and pass inspection in order to leave our apartment. I have to withdraw my kids from school and keep all important documents and paperwork separate so they don’t pack them with our household goods. Then I have to figure out how to get all the stuff we keep with us packed and moved to our new home all the while taking care of the dog and cat. It’s a lot of work but that’s ok because the mania is giving me the extra boost I need not to burnout to quickly. I just pray that it doesn’t get out of control and send me into paranoid delusions or hallucinations. As long as that doesn’t happen I can say for once my condition is helpful sometimes. I say that with cautious optimism. So keep me in your thoughts over the next month and I will do my best to keep you all posted on the process and hopefully everything will be ok. Oh one last thing I get to keep my doctor because my wonderful husband is going to drive 45 minutes to an hour each day so we can stay in Georgia rather than move to South Carolina where he will be working. I love him so much. He’s my hero. Not having to change doctors has made everything so much easier to handle. Okay I’ll end this post here and I hope you will follow me on this journey.

-Schiz N Giggles

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New beginnings

Okay so I’m at the starting point of our next move and I’m already beginning to get stressed out. Not only do we have to find a new home by no later than April but with all that aside there’s so much more I have to do that makes me anxious just thinking about it. I’m talking about the things you have to consider when you have a serious mental illness such as Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. Things like finding a new doctor. Now I know what you are probably thinking but for me that task is more daunting than it is for most normal people. I have lots of paranoia about doctors and I don’t trust very many people so the thought of learning to trust someone new right off the bat is very unnatural. I love the doctors I currently see and I really haven’t had great results until I found them. So trying to convince myself that I will find someone equally great is very difficult. I was living with paranoid delusions and horrible manic and depressive episodes for 10 years until I started working with my current doctors . I was completely out of touch with reality until they began treating me, and that is not something I want to go through again. The mere thought of trying to find a new doctor has me incapable of normal everyday function. I shut down completely because of the inability to accept the changes that are inevitably going to happen whether I want it to or not. I have so much to do to prepare for the physical move yet I’m paralyzed mentally because of my illness and having to work with a new doctor. It might sound crazy to most people but for me it’s very real. All I can do is try to get through this move and deal with everything else when I get to our new place but overcoming this fear is going to take everything I’ve got. Wish me luck!

Right now I can’t but hopefully soon I will
All I can do is trust, breathe.@writerdaisysunshine82

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If only

I wanna cuss and scream and let these feelings out, but they are rooted in so deeply that it keeps me filled with doubt.

I’m nowhere close to normal but you try to make it so with wishful selfish feelings that you force on me to grow.

I’m never going to be nor was I ever in the past this blissful little image that you try to make me grasp.

I was broken in the beginning the middle and the end and the pieces are too small for you to build what you pretend.

That’s just not what I was built for not for ribbons pearls and bows . No I was built for suffering life’s painful blistering blows.

I serve a single purpose to feel for those who bleed and to show them how survival is a possibility.

While my life is not glamorous and at times I wished for its end, I think of those more fragile and I begin to play pretend

I pretend it’s not that bad or that I am happy deep inside but sometimes the feelings are just more than I can hide.

So if everyone could forget about their expectations for my life and just be thankful I am still standing here despite my pain and strife

Because I push myself to try to be exactly what you want but it’s just not going to happen so I have to drop that front.

It’s those expectations that cut into my core each time I fail to reach them I don’t want to live anymore

They act as if they are nails being driven into my soul a sacrifice I’ll one day make to finally fill the hole.

Never will I disappoint or cause another love more shame, for when you have nothing to left to lose everyone else has much to gain.

Sorry so dark but some days are just dark

–schizandgiggles

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When you have nowhere else to go

I have a friend whom I am in a support group with who is in a constant state of panic and anxiety. She’s out of herskin trying to stay calm and not do anything stupid or rash or “CRAZY”… but unfortunately it is a difficult life altering decision she is facing and her options are bleak to say the least.

She said “I am always inside my head going back and forth as to whether I’m just overly relating signs of abuse in my marriage because I’m feeling insecure or if it’s blaring itself in my face and once again I’m in denial and making excuses for bad behavior”. “I feel like I’m having to make a decision based on facts that have been tampered with by both sides. “I’m not saying my husband is this off the wall emotionally and verbally abuse mean man but I don’t think he realizes how his words affect me psychologically nor do I feel he cares and I am stuck sitting here trying to figure out if he is right or if he’s just an ass.”.

“I don’t know what came first in my path to schizoaffective disorder, the constant devaluation of my feelings and emotions and the being told I was just delusional and/or crazy/paranoid or something more terrible like manipulation or gaslighting”.

“I have read just about everything I can get my hands on and my conclusion is that I am not happy with that way things have been for a long time but I have always had a bit of hope but lately that hope seems to be a beacon for major changes in order for it to bring forth clarity and relief. ”

“I know through body language actions past and present and the way he speaks to me that our relationship is past the point of no return, but I struggle with the idea that I might throw away the chance to make sure it’s not just my perception or illness by rushing to get free. Right now I don’t eat sleep or have a non panicked thought pattern in days and all I really want is for everything to stop. I just want out and to focus on the things in life I used to love and rebuild the fearless risk taking no one can control me personality I once owned proudly. ”

“Roughly about 12-15 years have passed since I could even remember who that girl was and it’s been what feels like a lifetime of berating, devaluing, controlling phrases and actions that have kept her from reappearing now. I have convinced myself she would make everything worse for so long that I believed all the things he said to me and about my disability just to avoid having to fight to keep him from making me wish for death anymore that day.”

“I know it’s not right to believe the things he’s said but I truly feel worthless, crazy, unfit as a parent and like I will never be good enough and never make him happy. I’m beginning to understand why everything goes so much smoother when I am away from everyone. Because he is right. I’m the problem and I create issues that don’t exist. I don’t know how to make a decision on my own anymore but I’m sure one will get made and I’ll probably be the one that gets screwed out of happiness again. But I just hope a decision and a plan is put into action soon because I have no fight left and I’m beyond the ability to consider how everyone would be so sad if I died because right now I’m already dead I just experiencing the muscle spasms that follow death. I’m at the I don’t care about anything else right now except making it all stop stage. ”

Well that’s my friends story and I hope this sheds some light on the difficulties of not being able to trust reality and your own mind in day to day life.

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